You and Your Gender Identity Read online

  Gender diverse describes an individual who embodies gender roles and/or gender expression that do not match social and cultural expectations. Terms such as gender nonconforming, gender variant, and gender creative can also be used to describe this experience.

  Examples of this can be frequently seen in the gender expression of today’s youth. There are more children, adolescents, and young adults breaking gender norms (both consciously and without awareness of doing so), especially as more parents are encouraging and supportive. As a result, more youth are having the freedom to gender-bend without being policed, as well as not being prematurely labeled as transgender (although parents are still strongly encouraged to listen for any indications from their child that they may be questioning their gender identity).

  Learning there is an option like gender diverse can bring individuals who connect with this identity a sense of relief by validating their feelings of discomfort with the norms placed upon them as a result of their perceived gender discomfort.

  It is important to note that someone can identify as both transgender and gender diverse. This could look like someone who doesn’t feel aligned with their gender assigned at birth in addition to feeling drawn toward bending the rules of gender expectations.

  When it comes to your own experience of gender, do you feel any connection to the term gender diverse? If not, why?

  Nonbinary

  Like gender diverse, the term nonbinary carries power to expand gender options. It can be the answer someone is looking for but didn’t realize it even existed. We’ll be exploring this in depth in the next section, Nonbinary Identities (page 132).

  Gender Dysphoria

  Dysphoria, as related to medicine, is defined as “an emotional state marked by anxiety, depression, and restlessness.”53 When someone experiences these types of feelings in relation to their sense of their gender identity, it is referred to as gender dysphoria.

  The use of this term has increased over the past several years due to:

  • Its inclusion in the 2011 World Professional Association for Transgender Health Standards of Care for the Health of Transsexual, Transgender, and Gender-Nonconforming People, Version 7 as “discomfort or distress that is caused by a discrepancy between a person’s gender identity and that person’s sex assigned at birth and the associated gender role and/or primary and secondary sex characteristics.”54

  • Its inclusion in 2013 in the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), which replaced the diagnosis of Gender Identity Disorder.

  The term gender dysphoria has been around for several decades. It was coined in 1974 when Dr. Norman Fisk, in an effort to broaden the definition of what it meant to be transsexual, opened a clinic where persons could be diagnosed with “gender dysphoria syndrome” and therefore have a higher chance of being approved for “sex reassignment.”55

  Although the term gender dysphoria is used for diagnostic purposes by therapists and medical professionals (which has helped in the fight to have insurance companies cover the costs of transgender health care), it is being used in other contexts as well. Many of my clients use this term as a way to describe the discomfort they are experiencing with their gender assigned at birth (e.g., “I’m feeling very dysphoric today,” “That incident brought up so much of my dysphoria”). This feeling of gender-related dysphoria often surfaces as the result of something that happens in a social situation and/or when experiencing a strong feeling of discomfort associated with their physical body that is specifically related to their gender.

  It’s important to note that someone who identifies as transgender can experience gender dysphoria at different levels and in different ways, or maybe not even at all. However, they may still be asked to use the term with certain mental health and medical professionals for the aforementioned diagnostic purposes, with the goal being medical transition.56

  From what you just learned about gender dysphoria, does this sound like something you might use as a way to describe your experience?

  CHECK-IN TIME

  Take a few minutes to record how you feel now that you’ve finished this exercise. What did you learn about yourself? What was challenging about this exercise? What did you gain from this exercise?

  Nonbinary Identities

  To best explain what it means to feel nonbinary, we’ll first need to define binary. The prefix bi means two. Therefore, concerning gender identity, binary refers to identifying as female or male, a woman or a man, a girl or a boy. As a gender identity, nonbinary means to feel uncomfortable identifying as either male or female. In other words, “Not feeling aligned with the sex and gender one was assigned at birth while also not feeling aligned with the ‘opposite’ gender.”57

  It can be difficult for someone to put into words why they feel this way about their gender. They may only know what does and doesn’t feel “right” when something happens that reminds them of the discomfort they feel around their perceived gender. These reminders can happen constantly throughout the day, since gendered language is so ingrained into our society.

  NONBINARY IDENTITY OPTIONS

  One of the beauties of having a nonbinary sense of one’s gender is endless range of ways gender can be experienced, described, and expressed. Nonbinary is an umbrella term with a multitude of options beneath it to choose from and explore.

  Let’s look at a few of the general categories nonbinary identities can be broken into:58

  • Agender: To feel as though you are without gender. Feeling as though gender is lacking within you, is undefinable, or unknowable. Agender can also be used as a way of stating you have no gender identity and therefore nonbinary may not accurately describe your experience either.

  • Androgyne: When your gender feels both masculine and feminine. This does not have to be an even split between masculine and feminine, nor does it have to remain the same combination at all times.

  • Demigender: Feeling a partial connection to a gender identity. There are subcategories to choose from such as demiboy, demigirl, and demiandrogyne.

  • Genderfluid/Genderflux: Variances in your gender over time. Which genders? That is up to the individual. Over how much time? How often? Again, that is up to each individual.

  • Genderqueer: Can be used as either an umbrella or specific term. A place for those who feel existing terms fail to truly express their gender (or lack thereof). It is can also be used to describe the intersection of one’s gender identity, sexual orientation, and romantic orientation.

  • Bigender: Feeling as if you are experiencing two gender identities simultaneously, or alternating between the two. These gender identities can be binary or nonbinary.

  • Neutrois: To feel that your gender is neutral or null. A combination of the French words neutre (“neutral”) and trois (“three”).

  • Pangender: Feeling that your gender is described by having all genders co-existing within yourself, including genders which have yet to be named, and perhaps will never be named. All of the genders do not have to be experienced at the same time and can be experienced more or less of the time than others.

  • Third Gender: When individuals are categorized, either by themselves or a society, as being neither male nor female. Specific terms are used by certain societies that recognize there are three or more genders. Because this term is culturally and societally specific it is strongly advised that one looks into and reflects upon the cultural origins of these terms before identifying as such.

  Within each of these categories, there are even more specific terms that can help you narrow down your particular experience with gender. Additionally, you can use as many terms as you want, in whatever combination you want. Nonbinary YouTuber thecharliecharmander suggests to “Think of it as using adjectives to describe your gender identity, instead of nouns.”59

  Although this can sound liberating and full of possibilities, it can also sound a little confusing for some. Chapter 14 will walk you through the steps of choosi
ng from these terms and piecing together your very own description of your gender identity.

  How Do You Know If You Might Be Nonbinary?

  Read through the following questions and place a checkmark in any of the boxes to which you would answer “Yes.” Keep in mind that answering “Yes” to any of these questions doesn’t mean you are undeniably nonbinary. It only means there’s something here worth exploring further.

  Do you feel uncomfortable being given only male or female as options (e.g., checking either male or female on forms, restrooms, changing rooms, etc.)?

  Do you shop in whichever clothes department you want, regardless of how the department is labeled (e.g., men’s department/women’s department)?

  Do you have difficulty finding clothes that fit properly, due to your body being shaped differently than the way gendered clothing is cut (e.g., trying on a shirt from the men’s department that won’t fit over your chest; trying on a dress from the women’s department that doesn’t look flattering on your frame type)?

  Do you dislike being addressed as either “sir” or “ma’am,” as well as gendered terms such as “ladies” or “fellas”?

  Do you wish you could be seen as whatever gender you feel like on any particular day?

  Do you wish there was no such thing as gender and would rather have nothing to do with it?

  Do you feel fine with whatever gender you are perceived as, maybe even getting a kick out of confusing others with how you are presenting?

  Do you have discomfort with being referred to as either “she” or “he”?

  Do you have no real attachment to being referred to as either “she” or “he”?

  Would you like to have the freedom to use gender-neutral terms to describe yourself, even when your gender is specifically asked for?

  Do you have a first name that is very gendered (i.e., very feminine or masculine) and feel it doesn’t suit you?

  Do you find it unpleasant to be presented with only two gender options, especially if you are expected to choose one of those based on the gender others assume you are?

  With regard to your sexual orientation, do you find it difficult to specify whether you are gay or straight because that means you are saying you are interested only in the “opposite” or “same” gender?

  Do you feel there are some aspects of who you are physically, socially, and hormonally that you are fine with and others that you are very uncomfortable with (as it relates to the gender you are perceived as)?

  Do you find yourself not wanting to be limited by gender when it comes to what you can be interested in, how you can act, how you dress, etc.?

  If this exercise has begun to spark your curiosity, keep on reading. All of the exercises in this book were created keeping in mind the possibility that your gender identity may be nonbinary.

  Possible Challenges with Being Nonbinary

  It can be a big relief for someone to realize that they might identify as nonbinary if they had previously only been exposed to binary options of gender identity. On the other hand, societies will frequently show initial resistance to a new perspective about something that has been a long-standing tradition (in this case, the notion that are only two genders: male and female). This resistance can be conveyed as confusion, uncertainty, and discomfort toward the people who are having this experience. It can also result in a refusal to acknowledge their existence, as well as expressions of disrespect and disdain.

  Keep in mind it is common, and even necessary, for a society to be introduced to new perspectives and struggle with them for a while. It’s as if a society is going through its own Hero’s Journey, initially pushing against the Call to Action it is receiving. Hopefully, over time, the society will come to an understanding that this new perspective is valid and therefore learn to embrace it as a genuine expression of the human experience had by many members of the society.

  In much of the world, this is where we are concerning the verbalization of nonbinary gender identities. The existence of nonbinary gender identities is something that has only recently been put into words in many societies. This means it’s still in its infancy stage of being recognized and incorporated by these populations.

  Here are challenges people who identify as nonbinary might come across when they are in the process of exploring and sharing this aspect of themselves:

  • Exploring different gender identities over a period of time and having others say you are being confusing/that they don’t believe you.

  • Not having many role models to choose from, whether in private or public life.

  • Not seeing yourself represented in the mainstream.

  • Wanting to use gender-neutral pronouns (such as they/them) and having issues with getting others to get to used it.

  • Having difficulty finding resources, support, and stories of those who identity as nonbinary.

  • Having your gender identity (or lack of gender identity) seen as invalid by those who are binary (i.e., “Pick a side”).

  • Feeling like you don’t qualify as being transgender/trans.

  • Not wanting to identify as transgender and/or nonbinary but having others say that you are.

  • Encountering resistance if you decide to take medical steps to transition.

  • Encountering resistance if you decide not to take medical steps to transition.

  • Facing an increase in awareness that societies were often formed with “binary” as the only option.

  Remember, if you identify as nonbinary, you are in the early stages of what is seen in many societies as a new perspective. It’s going to take time for everyone else to catch up, so be sure to find support and community for yourself along the way.

  CHECK-IN TIME

  Take a few minutes to record how you feel now that you’ve finished this exercise. What did you learn about yourself? What was challenging about this exercise? What did you gain from this exercise?

  Breaking Down Gender Stereotypes

  Regardless if someone likes, dislikes, or is indifferent to the existence of gender stereotypes, the fact of the matter is they exist, and more than likely will continue to exist for some time. This section focuses on how you can become more aware of gender stereotypes and, in particular, how gender stereotypes might be confusing your gender identity exploration.

  Gender Stereotypes and Your Gender Identity Exploration

  Gender stereotyping is defined as overgeneralization of characteristics, differences, and attributes of a certain group based on their gender. Gender stereotypes create a widely accepted judgment or bias about certain characteristics or traits that apply to each gender.60

  Here is an example of what it looks like when someone who is exploring their gender identity accidentally uses gender stereotyping in their self-analysis:

  Step 1: The person gives examples of their interests, behaviors, and/or appearance. They might compare the things they used to do to what they do now, or what they wish they could do.

  Step 2: They will then assign these characteristics genders, usually female or male (as well as using terms such as girly, boyish, feminine, masculine, etc.).

  Step 3: They will then wonder if their gender identity is female or male based on the assigned gender of these characteristics. If they are aware of nonbinary identities they might also question if they are neither gender, both genders, or many genders based on the evidence they have gathered about themselves.

  Step 4: Some individuals might also wonder if having the “opposite” characteristics of their gender assigned at birth means they are gay (i.e., someone assigned male at birth having feminine qualities and someone assigned female at birth having masculine qualities).

  It is understandable why someone would take a look at these descriptions of themselves and use them to try to determine their gender identity. However, your interests, behaviors, physical features, and appearance do not exclusively determine your gender identity. This can be a tricky concept to grasp and a frustrating one as wel
l. It means you cannot make a list of your interests, behaviors, aspects of physical features, and appearance as a way to define your gender identity. It’s possible they will give indications as to what it might be, but they are not the only pieces of the puzzle.

  THE ORIGINS OF GENDER STEREOTYPES

  Discussion has been brewing for some time around the notion that gender roles and stereotypes are socially constructed. This means that every society is different when it comes to how gender is defined, what male and female should look and act like, and if there is any room for discussion for nonbinary gender identities. This is because societies have their own stories as to how their gender stereotypes evolved and to what extent they are adhered to. Religion, politics, agriculture, poverty, wealth, industrialism, war, culture, civil rights movements, the entertainment industry, economics, and the media are just a few of the motivating factors behind how the gender stereotypes in a society can evolve.

  Difficulties arise when a rigid association (i.e., a stereotype) is formed as to how a person of a certain gender is expected to behave. This rigid expectation also completely excludes the spectrum of nonbinary gender identities.

  Over the years, some societies have relaxed their gender stereotypes, while others remain firmly entrenched in them. You more than likely are aware of what your society’s views are on these gender expectations. Depending on your age and/or how many places you have lived, you may have had multiple experiences with this over the course of your lifetime.

  What was your experience of gender roles and stereotypes growing up? Have you made changes in your life that reflect a perspective on gender roles and stereotypes that is different from what you experienced in the past?