You and Your Gender Identity Page 22

  3. You learned that you will continue to discover more about yourself throughout the course of your life. This chapter will help you find words to describe your experience of your gender identity today. You can change your responses tomorrow, in a few weeks, even in a few years. That way you won’t inadvertently pressure yourself into the unrealistic assumption that you must have all of the answers right now. Your workbook should be a living, breathing document that you can return to whenever you discover new insights about yourself.

  Questions like, “What if I’m wrong? What if I change my mind later?” often arise when figuring out how to describe one’s gender identity. Here are some ways you can remain open to growing while also gaining confidence in what direction you would like to go next:

  • Pace yourself. It is wise to make changes in your life using baby steps to see if what you are doing is creating improvement. It’s a positive feedback loop: if what you choose continues to help, you know you are on the right track.

  • Pay attention to what stays consistent. As you continue to test and experiment, you will see what does and doesn’t change, what consistently makes you feel more comfortable, what consistently makes you feel more uncomfortable, and what feelings and thoughts remain with you.

  • Talk it out. You may one day make decisions that will impact your life in significant ways. When you take the time to talk it out either with a counselor or a trusted friend, they can help you plan for any possible challenges you may encounter. This will also give you the chance to understand the perspectives of others who will end up being affected by these decisions.

  Reviewing the Highlights of Your Journey

  Oftentimes an explorer will return from a journey and decide to create an account of their adventure. This can help them see the big picture of what they discovered along the way, the changes they went through, and ideas about where they want to go next.

  Ideally the explorer took notes over the course of the journey—so much can happen along the way it can be easy to forget some of the most important discoveries. Luckily, as the explorer in your story, you have been keeping track of these important highlights in this guidebook. Now you can use them to arrive at your conclusions for this part of your gender identity journey.

  Before we begin to review your highlights, remember:

  • Be open to changing your previous answers—hindsight can lead to new insight.

  • You can always leave something blank. Simply answer, “I’m not sure,” or change your response later on.

  • When in doubt, listen for the answers that come from your gut.

  1: THE QUESTION THAT STARTED IT ALL

  It’s the one you answered both at the very beginning and midway through You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery:

  Are you uncomfortable with your gender assigned at birth socially, physically, and/or mentally?

  YES

  MAYBE

  NO

  Go ahead—answer it again. Is your answer the same as or different from when you first began? How about from when you checked in midway through the guide? Write down your observations here.

  2: THE QUESTIONNAIRE

  Using the following unmarked copy of the Questionnaire, go through all of the questions and answer them again. For now, don’t look at your previous answers.

  1. How do you feel about the name you currently use and are addressed as? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  2. How do you feel about being addressed by a gendered term that coincides with your gender assigned at birth (e.g., ma’am, sir, ladies, fellas, lad, lass)? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  3. How do you feel about being addressed by a gendered term that does not coincide with your gender assigned at birth? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  4. How do you feel about being addressed as your gender assigned at birth pronouns? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  5. How do you feel being addressed by gendered adjectives such as pretty or handsome? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  6. How do you feel about using the public restrooms/changing rooms that you are expected to based on your current gender presentation? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  7. How do you feel about having/not having a menstrual cycle? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  8. How do you feel about being able to/not being able to conceive a child? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  9. How do you feel about the amount of body hair that you have (or don’t have)? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  10. How do you feel about having the amount of facial hair that you have/don’t have? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  11. How do you feel about your voice? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  12. How do you feel about tone and pitch in which you speak? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  13. How do you feel about your eyebrows? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  14. How do you feel about your hairstyle? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  15. How do you feel about your current wardrobe? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  16. How do you feel about wearing/not wearing makeup? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  17. How do you feel about wearing/not wearing earrings, having/not having piercings and/or tattoos, and carrying/not carrying certain accessories? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  18. How do you feel about your height? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  19. How do you feel about your chest? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  20. How do you feel about your body shape? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  21. How do you feel about the structure of your face? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  22. How do you feel about the size of your hands and feet? How much (if at all) is this connected to gender-related concerns?

  23. How do you feel about having (or not having) an Adam’s apple? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  24. How do you feel about your genitals? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  25. How would you describe your sexual orientation? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  26. How do you feel about having partners, concerning physical intimacy? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  27. How do you feel about having partners, concerning emotional intimacy? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  28. How do you feel about assumptions others make about you based on their perception of your gender? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  29. How do you feel about the way your family addresses you when not using your name (e.g., son/daughter, niece/nephew, mother/father)? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  30. To what extent do you feel your hobbies and interest truly reflect who you are? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  31. How do you feel when you are separated into groups by gender? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  Again, place a star next to the responses that are most problematic to you (e.g., revealed a high leve
l of disconnect, dissatisfaction, discomfort, etc.).

  1.

  2.

  3.

  4.

  5.

  Compare and contrast these responses to the ones on the original Questionnaire (p. 121). Have they changed? How?

  3: THE LAYERS OF YOUR GENDER DISCOMFORT

  Here, again, is the chart from the exercise The Layers of Your Gender Discomfort (page 178).

  Using this unmarked copy of the chart, rate your general discomfort in each category. Then, look at your original responses and compare and contrast them to one another. Have they changed? How?

  YOUR CONCLUSIONS

  Read over the responses you gave from these three highlights from your journey, as well as your reflections.

  What are your overall conclusions? Take your time, write as little or as much as you need to. Remember you can always come back to this later.

  Your Gender Identity in Your Own Words

  Finding the words to describe your gender identity can be as simple or as multilayered as you choose to make it. This exercise will introduce you a variety of approaches to this and help you find the one that best suits you. For now, focus on how you would describe your gender identity if the definitions and opinions of others didn’t exist. In the next exercise, we will look at how you can navigate through the rest of the world with your personal description of your gender identity intact.

  THE SIMPLE APPROACH

  You may be hoping for a short, simple way to describe your gender identity. It would exclude extraneous factors such as other aspects of your identity, clarifying phrases, explanation of your narrative, etc.

  Here are examples of this approach:

  “I am trans/transgender.”

  “I am a woman/I am a man.”

  “I am not a male/not a female.”

  “I am a transgender male.”

  “I am a transsexual woman.”

  “I am not cisgender.”

  “I identify as nonbinary.”

  “I have no interest in labeling my gender identity.”

  As you continue working though this chapter, stay open to this approach to describing gender identity. It may be the right one for you, or you may end up needing a more multi-layered approach.

  THE MULTI-LAYERED APPROACH

  A multi-layered approach to describing your gender identity can be useful to those who would rather not be limited in the way they describe their gender identity. This description can include multiple terms, including your other identities, your body, and inference to whether or not you will be transitioning.

  Here are examples of this multi-layered approach:

  “I am nonbinary, genderfluid, and pansexual.”

  “I identify as a female-bodied, masculine-of-center boi.”

  “I am a cisgender heterosexual man who enjoys expressing my feminine energy.”

  “I am transgender and my gender expression is feminine.”

  “I am a gay trans man who chooses not to have gender confirmation surgery.”

  “I am a cisgender butch lesbian who will be having top surgery.”

  “I am uncertain as to what my actual gender identity is, but I do know that it is not my gender assigned at birth and I will probably take medical and social steps to help reduce my gender dysphoria.”

  “Although I was assigned male at birth my brain is that of a female—therefore I am a woman.”

  As you continue to work through this chapter you will have the chance to explore various ways you can use this multi-layered approach to describing your gender identity.

  Do you think you are more interested in a simple or multi-layered approach to describing your gender identity?

  WHAT TO INCLUDE IN YOUR DESCRIPTION

  Use the following list as a starting place for describing your gender identity:

  Do you want to use the phrase “I identify as … ”?

  Do you want to use the phrase “I am … ”?

  Do you want to use terms like transgender, transsexual, trans, etc.?

  Are there nonbinary terms you want to use?

  Do you want to use the term gender dysphoria, as well as the areas in which you experience this?

  Do you want to include references to your sexual and/or romantic orientation?

  Do you want to include references to social and/or medical transition steps you might take?

  Do you want to include references to your blend of feminine and/or masculine energy?

  Do you want to include references to how you feel about gender?

  Do you want to include references to your gender expression?

  Do you want to use a narrative form of description rather than a brief one?

  Place a checkmark next to each of the items you are interested in including as a part of your description.

  YOUR GENDER IDENTITY OPTIONS

  It may come as a surprise to learn how many options are available to choose from to describe your gender identity. They are evolving out of a growing awareness that gender identity is a far deeper subject than previously thought. We now know that:

  • One’s gender identity is not always the same as the gender and sex one is assigned at birth.

  • Gender identity is not necessarily binary (i.e., female or male).

  • Gender identity is an individual, unique experience.

  • One’s sense of gender identity can be approached holistically, taking into account who someone is in their entirety (i.e., gender expression, femininity/masculinity, sexual/romantic orientation, one’s body).

  We are going to explore terms that are available to use when you describe your gender identity. A complete list would be impossible to compile—we live in a time during which new terms are being created, tested, and shared at a rapid pace. These descriptions will continue evolving as individuals and communities search for ways to increase recognition and awareness of as many experiences of gender as possible.

  Use this list as a way to open your eyes and broaden your perspective about what makes up your gender identity and its relationship to your overall sense of self. You can use all of them, none of them, or a combination of them.

  Read through the list on the next page. Circle the terms you would consider using to describe your own gender identity. Place a star next to any term you are unfamiliar with but would like to learn what it means. Look up its definition, and then decide whether you want to keep it on your list.

  Androgynous

  Androgyne

  Tomboy

  Boyflux

  Butch

  Tomboi

  Boi

  Masculine-of-center

  Feminine-of-center

  Stud

  A/G

  Macha

  Masculine woman

  Feminine man

  Feminine

  Masculine

  Femme

  Demiboy

  Demigirl

  Demiflux

  MtF (male-to-female)

  FtM (female-to-male)

  Agender

  Neutrois

  Gender neutral

  Gender bending

  Gender questioning

  Gender variant

  Gender nonconforming

  Genderf*ck

  Pangender

  Polygender

  Genderfluid

  Queer

  Bigender

  Intergender

  Ambigender

  Genderqueer

  Nonbinary

  Female

  Male

  Woman

  Man

  Boy

  Girl

  Trans

  Transsexual

  Transsexual man/male

  Transsexual woman/female

  Transmasculine

  Transfeminine

  Transgender

  Transgender man/male

  Transgender woman/female

  Trans person

  AFAB (assigned female at birth)

  AMAB (as
signed male at birth)

  MtN (male-to-nonbinary)

  FtN (female-to-nonbinary)

  Cisgender male

  Cisgender female

  Other identities

  Intersex

  Cross-dresser

  Drag queen/Drag king

  Queer

  Lesbian

  Gay

  Bisexual

  Pansexual

  Asexual

  Gray-sexual

  Panromantic

  Aromantic

  Heteroflexible

  Homoflexible

  Polyamorous

  Kink/BDSM

  Culture-specific identities

  Third gender

  Two-spirit

  Hijra

  Kathoeys

  Fa’afafine

  Māhū

  “MY GENDER IDENTITY IS … ”

  You now have a broader understanding of the available approaches to describing gender identity. The next step is to create your own personalized description of your gender identity.

  Step 1: Using the blank chart on the following page, write down your answers from the exercise What to Include in Your Description (page 227) in column A.