You and Your Gender Identity Read online

  Step 2: Using the blank chart on the opposite page, write down your answers from the exercise Your Gender Identity Options (page 228) in column B.

  Example 1:

  A B

  “I identify as … ”

  “I am … ”

  Include feminine/masculine energy

  Include nonbinary terms

  How I feel about gender

  Nonbinary

  Soft butch

  Queer

  “I identify as nonbinary, soft butch, and queer.”

  “I am queer.”

  “I do not fit the gender binary.”

  Example 2:

  A

  B

  “I am … ”

  Include gender dysphoria

  Refer to my gender expression

  Transgender

  Female/Woman

  MtF

  “I am a transgender female with severe social and physical gender dysphoria.”

  “I am a feminine woman.”

  “I am MtF.”

  A

  B

  Step 3: Write out the full description of your gender identity here:

  As you look at your answers from the two exercises side by side, you can begin to create your own unique description of your gender identity. If you are uncertain which descriptions you connect with most, you can use the Tests and Experiments exercises as a way to gauge how you feel about each one (page 205).

  Experiment with a few different descriptions by writing them out to see how they look and feel to you.

  USING FILL IN THE BLANK TO DESCRIBE YOUR GENDER IDENTITY

  Use these tips as you experiment with a fill-in-the-blank approach to describing your gender identity:

  • Fill in as few or as many blanks as you would like.

  • Write as many terms as you want in each blank.

  • Keep them all separate from one another or blend them together to form a description of your gender identity.

  My internal sense of self is __________________________________

  My gender expression/my desired gender expression is_____________________________________________________

  My physical body is _______________________

  My blend of masculinity and femininity is ___________________

  My sexual/romantic orientation is ___________________________

  Other personal identities important to me are ________________

  My gender identity is _______________________________________

  How to Describe Your Gender Identity to Others

  Hopefully, one of the key takeaways you’ve gained from this guide is that your gender identity is defined by you. In an ideal world, that would be that. However, in the real world you might come across complexities when the time comes for you to share your description of your gender identity with others.

  WHO IS “THE REST OF THE WORLD”?

  Let’s take a look at the various categories “the rest of the world” can be separated into, so we can approach them one at a time.

  Loved Ones and Others Close to You

  This is your inner circle. They are the ones with whom you have the closest relationships and depend on for certain needs. This group might include blood relatives, chosen family, friends, roommates, spouses/partners, parents, children, mentors, pastors, etc. It can include those who are a part of your life in person as well as through online means.

  Acquaintances

  These would be people who fall somewhere between being strangers and being in your inner circle. They could be friends, family members, teachers, coaches, coworkers, bosses, employees of places you frequent (restaurants, pubs, clubs, etc.) and so on. This category includes individuals you see in person as well as those online and over the phone.

  The General Public

  These are people you will more than likely only interact with briefly and infrequently. It can cover a large range of people who you are around when you leave your home (i.e., strangers who you aren’t personally connecting with). They could be people you are walking by on the street, sitting with on a bus, customer service and retail workers, your Uber driver, etc. This category includes individuals you see in person as well as those online and over the phone.

  Information and Resource Providers

  This group includes those you encounter as you search for resources, community, insight, and ideas pertaining to your gender identity. For instance, this involves having to think about what words you would type into a search engine or what terms you would use with someone who works at a local LGBTQ center.

  Mental Health and Medical Care Providers

  These are providers whom you have relationships with currently and those you will meet in future. It can include mental health counselors, primary care physicians, psychiatrists, dentists, surgeons, physical therapists, etc. Health insurance companies are included as a part of this category as well.

  TIMING AND PACING OF SHARING WITH OTHERS

  At this point, you probably have at least some idea of how you want to describe your gender identity. However, you may decide to:

  • Sit with it a while to see how it feels.

  • Tell certain people right away and tell others later.

  • Describe it in a certain way at first to help others adjust and then change this the further along they come.

  • Describe your gender identity in such a way that those around you grow and adjust with it in time.

  • Change the way you describe yourself depending on the situation.

  These are all possibilities that may be encountered, so we need to include the idea of timing and pacing as a factor to keep in mind when you are describing your gender identity to others.

  YOUR LEVELS OF TOLERANCE

  As you begin sharing your description of your gender identity, you will notice some people are better than others at understanding the language you are using. Lack of understanding can be due to certain factors:

  • Some persons are very willing to learn but need just a bit of time, patience, and practice.

  • Others may be resistant at first but, because they value their relationship with you, they will make efforts to try and understand who you are and why this is important to you.

  • Others may show intense disinterest and disrespect. This can lead you to feeling emotions ranging from uncomfortable to unsafe.

  As you begin to prepare to talk with others about your gender identity, it is important you know which descriptions are best, which are bearable, and which you are definitely not okay with. They can also differ from situation to situation, which we will look at more in the next exercise.

  YOUR IDEAL DESCRIPTION + THE REST OF THE WORLD

  You have worked hard in this chapter to create your description of your gender identity. Let’s begin with that description as our starting point in gauging how to approach the rest of the world.

  Step 1: Using the chart on the next page, write your description of your gender identity at the top in the blank given (use what feels right for now—remember, you can change this at any point).

  Step 2: Bring to mind your loved ones and those closest to you. Using the space in the first column write out your answers in the following questions:

  • Present-day, how do you want to describe your gender identity to them?

  • How do you want them to describe your gender identity, if they address you or refer to you (with your permission) to others?

  • Do you want to describe your gender identity to them a certain way at this time and then, once they have a firm understanding of this, share with them a more multilayered description of yourself?

  • What words and phrases would be bearable? Would it be for a short amount of time or for an indefinite amount of time?

  • Are there certain words, terms, and/or descriptions you do not want them to ever use?

  Step 3: Using the same questions listed in Step 2, write out your answers for the other categories—Acquaintances, the General
Public, Information and Resource Providers, and Mental Health and Medical Care Providers.

  My Gender Identity Is:

  Loved Ones

  Acquaintances

  The General Public

  Information and Resource Providers

  Mental Health and Medical Care Providers

  CHECK-IN TIME

  Take a few minutes to record how you feel now that you’ve finished this exercise. What did you learn about yourself? What was challenging about this exercise? What did you gain from this exercise?

  FURTHER RESOURCES

  “Comprehensive List of LGBTQ+ Vocabulary Definitions.” It’s Pronounced METROsexual. Accessed December 10, 2016. http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2013/01/a-comprehensive-list-of-lgbtq-term-definitions/#sthash.maKBoyhi.dpbs.

  “Gender Master List.” Genderfluid Support. Accessed December 10, 2016. http://genderfluidsupport.tumblr.com/gender.

  Herbenick, Debby, PhD, and Aleta Baldwin. “What Each of Facebook’s 51 New Gender Options Means.” The Daily Beast. February 15, 2014. Accessed December 10, 2016. http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/02/15/the-complete-glossary-of-facebook-s-51-gender-options.html.

  “Some Genderqueer Identities.” Gender Queeries. Accessed December 10, 2016. http://genderqueeries.tumblr.com/identities.

  Conclusion: What Now?

  Here you are, so much further than when you first began this guide. Even if nothing has changed in your external world (yet), your internal world has most certainly gone through a significant transformation.

  You began this guide with certain questions in mind. Have those questions been answered? Have they changed? Have new question arisen that you were unaware you had? I’m guessing you experienced at least some, if not all, of the above.

  Your answers from this leg of the journey make up the components of the Elixir you now possess: greater self-awareness. This increase in how well you know yourself can feel exciting, frightening, liberating, and paralyzing. You may feel like you are ready to take action, make changes in your life, and create a world that makes more sense for the person you have discovered you actually are. You may also feel overwhelmed, uncertain what to do next, and anxious about how any changes might affect your current world.

  Trying to figure out “What Now?” can precipitate a whole slew of new questions that need answering. There is one step you can take right now that will prepare you for the next stage of your life. That step is to …

  BREATHE

  In fact, take as many moments as you need to breathe. Typically the best thing you can do after an intense journey is to rest for a period of time. Give your mind, body, and soul a chance to rest and let what you learned have a chance to sink in, merge with the rest of your being, and eventually be expressed.

  BREAKING DOWN THE QUESTION OF “WHAT NOW?”

  When you are ready to approach the question of “What Now?” you can break it down the same way you’ve been doing throughout the course of this guidebook.

  Put Self-Awareness into Action

  Using the paragraph below as an example, merge the self-awareness you gained through this guide with a possible action plan. Change any of the wording as needed to best fit your experience.

  I am uncomfortable with the gender I was assigned at birth. I feel [this type of discomfort] in [these types of situations] and the intensity level of this discomfort is _________________. My blend of feminine and masculine energy is _________________. I want to describe my gender identity as _________________.

  Therefore, here are some of the steps I am thinking of taking to feel more comfortable: _________________, _________________, _________________. Here is when I would like to accomplish these steps: _________________.

  The steps can be general or specific. Examples are:

  • To masculinize

  • To feminize

  • To socially transition

  • To medically transition

  • To stop doing what doesn’t feel “right”

  • To start hormone replacement therapy

  • To find a gender therapist

  • To research what my options are in the area in which I live

  • To change the way I dress

  • To talk to my spouse about this

  • To start using a different name

  • To find support before I move forward with any sort of transition

  • To look into my workplace’s policy regarding transgender inclusivity

  Above all else, you need to begin to gain momentum. Try not to let yourself become paralyzed by what might feel like an enormous undertaking. You can always go back and reevaluate your steps as well as the timing of them. Start with something realistic and then do it.

  Learn from Others

  Although your next steps should be the ones that feel right to you, you can still turn to the examples of others for ideas about what options are available to you. They can be from individuals who are transitioning, professionals who work with people who need to transition, as well as advocacy and support organizations.

  As you begin your research, be sure to:

  • Diversify your resources to be sure you draw from a multitude of perspectives.

  • Learn from the successes and failures of others. Find out what worked well and what could have been done differently.

  • Be aware you might encounter outdated information—whenever you can, get a second opinion.

  • Find someone you can trust as a main source, especially if you want to learn how to medically and/or socially transition (such as a gender therapist, trans advocate, trans-aware physician, etc.).

  Additional Resources

  Through the process of writing this book, I’ve been deeply concerned with what would happen when you reached the end of this part of your journey. I wanted to be sure I would not leave you full of self-discovery and yet not knowing what to do next. In other words, you now have your map of self-awareness but you’ll still need a compass to carry with you in the coming days.

  Here are tools I have created to assist you with this:

  • DaraHoffmanFox.com: This is the main hub for the resources I offer the transgender, nonbinary, gender diverse, and gender questioning community. These include articles, videos, downloadable worksheets, podcast interviews, and announcements about any future projects I’m working on. If you want to be sure to not miss out on any new resources created for my website, you can sign up for my newsletter at darahoffmanfox.com/newsletter.

  • The Conversations with a Gender Therapist YouTube channel: Here you will find videos in which I address questions from people around the world regarding transgender, nonbinary, gender diverse, and gender questioning topics. This includes subjects such as how to find a gender therapist, coming out as transgender to family and friends, how to get started on hormones, and options for transitioning if you are nonbinary. The channel can be easily found by searching for “Dara Hoffman-Fox” at www.youtube.com.

  • The Conversations with a Gender Therapist Facebook page: It’s here that I am most active on the Internet. Throughout the day, I share articles, inspiration, and support for the thousands of individuals who follow the page. It has grown, over the years, into a community in which people can turn to one another for ideas, encouragement, and help. The page can be easily found by searching for “Conversations with a Gender Therapist” at www.facebook.com.

  Parting Thoughts

  One day, a book like this won’t have to exist. Babies will be born without gender constraints immediately being placed upon them. Children will be free to express their feminine and masculine energy however they choose, and they will be encouraged to do so. As their bodies develop, youth will be able to talk openly with their parents about how their minds, hearts, and souls are telling them they ought to be developing. Teens and young adults will be at liberty to freely experience and enjoy a feeling of wholeness, with gender identity and expression included. Resources will be available and affordable for those wh
o need medical assistance to help align their physical body with their gender identity. Constraints imposed by the current gender binary will be lifted. Nonbinary identities will continue to grow in number as people realize that gender options do indeed exist. Today’s gender-specific terminology will evolve into language that celebrates the diversity and uniqueness of individuals on this planet.

  In today’s world, this book does need to exist, and it may be needed for several generations to come.

  Be encouraged. Know that what you are doing today—what we are all doing today—is setting the stage for this vision to become reality.

  But an evolution is necessary. Any significant cultural shift occurs only with time, persistence, and sacrifice. It will take blood, sweat, and tears—both figuratively and literally.

  You don’t have to become a trans activist to be a part of this change. The self-awareness you have gained through the pages of this guide is symbolic of realizations our world is experiencing as well. Every individual experience is contributing to a collective shift that is powerful enough to create significant and lasting change in this world.

  There are far too many people who now hunger for the truth. The momentum is there, and there is no stopping it. Remember this if you are ever in doubt as to why you are on this journey, who is with you on it, and what you are here for in this time and place in history.

  Take your courage in hand. You are not alone. Your story is meaningful and must be told.

  Acknowledgments

  To “Mama’s Girl,” who has been crucial to the creation and evolution of this book.

  To my esteemed introduction writers: Zinnia Jones, Sam Dylan Finch, and Zander Keig, LCSW.

  To my beta readers: Rena V., Dr. Traci Lowenthal, Aimee Martz Dick, MA, LPC, Dan Johnson, PhD, Lauren Skar, MA, Sam Dylan Finch, Billie Winterholer, Darlene Tando, LCSW, and Dr. Jennie Thomas.