You and Your Gender Identity Read online

  You were raised in a more gender-neutral environment at home. Your parents may or may not have been aware they had created this type of environment. This kind of upbringing could result in you not being aware there were other beliefs in the bigger world about gender stereotypes, gender roles, and expectations to conform to your gender assigned at birth. You may have been older before you noticed these beliefs existed outside of your home, which would affect how you process and experience your gender identity.

  You were raised in a community that was intolerant, fearful, and/or ignorant when it came to understanding differences between people. This could be due to living in a specific geographic region, growing up during a certain time period, lack of resources and information, less exposure (and therefore more resistance) to progressive changes and ideas, and/or certain cultural traditions (religious upbringing, military and other similar cultures, ethnic traditions). Therefore, you were being raised to believe that what you were experiencing within yourself was wrong or, at the very least, not knowing this was something anyone else in the world experienced. This could result in the repression of your authentic feelings because of pressure from the community and the desire to avoid its negative judgments.

  You were raised in a community that was liberal, open-minded, and accepting when it came to understanding differences between people. This could be due to living in certain regions that embraced more progressive ideas or being surrounded by persons who were different and seeing them treated with kindness and respect. There was ample information available regarding how to embrace differences between people, as well as certain religious, cultural, or ethnic teachings that encouraged self-discovery. You experienced freedom to express your gender however you pleased, and you were encouraged to be creative and expressive. You never knew there was a problem with who you were until you encountered someone or something outside of this environment that said something to the contrary.

  You may have a difficult time recalling childhood memories due to experiencing stress and/or trauma during these years. You may have blocked out (i.e. repressed) these memories as a means of protecting yourself emotionally and mentally from the impact of what happened during this time frame.

  You didn’t have a lot of exposure to anyone outside of your close family unit. This could be due to being homeschooled, parental careers that kept the family mobile, certain ethnic, cultural, or religious customs, isolation due to extreme stress in the home (alcoholism, severe mental illness, abuse), and so on. The impact of this depends on the type of upbringing you received from the primary adults in your life. It could result in the formation of a strong sense of self that is untouched by the ways of the world. It could also result in a sense of self that is based only on what the adults taught you as being the “truth.” Either way, until you were exposed to the bigger world, you may not have known there are any other ways of being that exist outside the one you were exposed to.

  You had the experience of being raised in an environment where you were exposed to gaslighting. This is a type of psychological abuse in which a family member twisted information about themselves (with the intention of gaining power and control in the relationship) to such an extent that it caused you to question your sense of reality. This highly manipulative tactic may have affected your ability to self-reflect, as well as trust your own thoughts and feelings. This can create a lengthy list of issues and may have affected your ability to process any gender identity questions that arise.

  Reflecting on Your Childhood Years

  Now it’s time to reflect upon your experience of your gender identity during your childhood years. This section is broken up into three age categories: three to five, six to nine, and ten to eleven. If you don’t have memories during a particular time frame, it’s okay—just move on to the next one. You can always fill it in later if something surfaces. Call upon your feelings, your thoughts, your experiences, your physical sensations, as well as your visual memories.

  Tips to Help You Get Started

  • Draw pictures that express how you are feeling and what you are thinking.

  • Look back at childhood photos of yourself.

  • Listen to music you enjoyed during that time.

  • Create a collage.

  • Talk to others who knew you during this time (and be selective about who you pick).

  • Turn to the examples given earlier in this exercise of how others described their experience for ideas about how to express yours.

  • Don’t analyze your answers right now. Write whatever comes to mind without second-guessing or judging yourself.

  • Later in this chapter we’ll take a closer look at the roles guilt and shame played during your growing up years. Be sure to list any examples of the emergence of guilt and/or shame, even those you didn’t know at the time but, in retrospect, are aware of now.

  REFLECTING ON YOUR CHILDHOOD YEARS: AGES 3–5

  1. What thoughts can you remember having about your gender between ages three to five?

  2. What feelings can you remember having about your gender between ages three to five?

  3. How do you remember expressing your gender between ages three to five?

  4. What was the reaction from those around when you expressed your gender in this way between ages three to five?

  REFLECTING ON YOUR CHILDHOOD YEARS: AGES 6–9

  1. What thoughts can you remember having about your gender between ages six to nine?

  2. What feelings can you remember having about your gender between ages six to nine?

  3. How do you remember expressing your gender between ages six to nine?

  4. What was the reaction from those around when you expressed your gender in this way between ages six to nine?

  REFLECTING ON YOUR CHILDHOOD YEARS: AGES 10–11

  1. What thoughts can you remember having about your gender between ages ten to eleven?

  2. What feelings can you remember having about your gender between ages ten to eleven?

  3. How do you remember expressing your gender between ages ten to eleven?

  4. What was the reaction from those around when you expressed your gender in this way between ages ten to eleven?

  SELF-CARE REMINDER

  What was the Post-Exercise Self-Care Activity you listed at the beginning of the chapter? It’s time to set this guide aside and spend time with your chosen activity.

  34 Dara Hoffman-Fox, Conversations with a Gender Therapist, Facebook post, February 26, 2015, https://www.facebook.com/darahoffmanfoxlpc/posts/975289642488915.

  Chapter 6

  You and Your Gender Identity: Adolescence (Ages 12–17)

  Adolescence is often filled with a fair amount of mental and emotional chaos. You are expected to juggle the following when, only months beforehand, you were still considered a child:

  • The mental, emotional, and physical changes that occur with the onset of puberty

  • Developing a deeper sense of self and a broader awareness of your identity—starting to answer the question, “Who am I?”

  • Searching for how you fit into society, this world, and what your contribution might be

  • Increasing desire for autonomy and independence while at the same time not feeling ready for it

  Imagine that, in addition to these challenges, you were also having feelings of confusion about your gender identity. Having uncertainty about something that is such a core part of who you are could have affected your ability to work through the developmental challenges occurring during this age. If unaddressed, this confusion may have also impacted the way you moved into the next stage of your life.

  In the first part of this chapter, we’ll look at how the formation of your overall identity from ages twelve to seventeen was affected by gender identity issues. The second part will focus on the impact puberty had in this process.

  As you look back at these memories, keep in mind that some of them could be fuzzy, confusing, and even painful to examine. There may h
ave been stressors present that would have rendered gender identity exploration/realization nearly impossible. These stressors include poverty, mental illness (undiagnosed or diagnosed), learning/developmental disabilities, and abuse. Be sure to use your Self-Care Checklist as you move through this chapter and go at a pace that feels right to you.

  PREPARE FOR SELF-CARE

  Take a look at your Self-Care Checklist and find an activity you will do before working on this chapter and an activity for afterwards.

  Which Pre-Exercise Self-Care Activity did you choose?

  Which Post-Exercise Self-Care Activity did you choose?

  Now, set aside a few minutes to do your Pre-Exercise Self-Care Activity. When you are finished, continue below to begin the first exercise.

  Identity Formation

  A person’s gender identity is only one layer of their entire identity. Identity formation begins at a very young age and then kicks into high gear between the ages of twelve and seventeen. Adolescence is when one typically begins to develop a stronger sense of their overall identity through self-exploration. This exploration can be done solo, as well as with others, and can be both a conscious and an unconscious process.

  There are numerous challenges and obstacles to this self-exploration process that can disrupt someone’s progress. I turned again to my Conversations with a Gender Therapist Facebook community and posed this question to the transgender, nonbinary, and gender diverse members of my audience: “What were your adolescent/teenage years like?”35

  Read through their responses below. Can you relate to any of their answers? Place a star next to the ones you feel apply to the way you experienced your adolescence.

  “I went gung-ho into anything that proved just how male and macho I was.”

  “I learned a form of disassociation. I learned to be someone else when I walked out of the door.”

  “I think I actually missed some of the life lessons and skills I was supposed to get at this time because my energy and attention was so consumed by repressing who I was.”

  “Not too bad at all—I would say I was clueless. It wasn’t until I was in my early twenties that I realized I had been hiding something from myself without really knowing it.”

  “I would say it drove me to either isolate myself or to gravitate to social groups where gender roles were less important to social acceptance or the hierarchy.”

  “I didn’t date, join clubs, or attend student functions.”

  “I always felt isolated and numb. I saw boys doing things I had no interest in and girls looking happy and confident and I so wanted to be one of them.”

  “I became very sexual very fast—at school I wore short skirts, tight V necks, and push-up bras.”

  “Overall, this condition negatively affected my education, future romantic relationships (if any), employment, and the role I play in ‘society’.”

  “I could never be close with someone. If I let someone in close, they would be able to see the charade.”

  “During puberty I was extremely withdrawn, had extreme flashes of anger at home, and was prescribed one depression medication after another to no effect.”

  “I could not sit through a sex education class because any discussion of male and female anatomy made me violently ill.”

  “I felt like I didn’t fit in with either side of the binary, like a complete alien in the land of ‘young women’ that I supposedly belonged in, but also an outsider looking in on the land of ‘young men.’”

  SELF-EXPLORATION CHALLENGES DURING ADOLESCENCE

  Below you will find a list of ways one’s self-exploration process can be disrupted during adolescence, with an emphasis on gender identity.

  Do any of these apply to you and your experience? Place a checkmark next to each item that applies to your experience of your adolescence. Also, take a guess as to what age(s) you were and write that next to each item.

  You acted like someone you weren’t in order to fit in.

  The way you carried yourself was met with resistance, discomfort, and/or bullying from others.

  You struggled so much with the changes you were going through that you kept yourself separate from others as much as possible.

  You found it difficult to trust your own thoughts and feelings about who you were.

  You had confusion about your sexual orientation in addition to your gender confusion.

  You searched desperately for a group that you could belong to and fit in with.

  You were teased/bullied as being gay, lesbian, or were gender-shamed.

  You felt pressured to take on a certain role that was untrue to who you really were.

  You were taken to see a therapist, counselor, or pastor who tried to convince you that what you were feeling was not true.

  You were prescribed medication that you did not need and it made things worse.

  You did not see or hear positive examples of people in society, the media, or your community who reflected the experience you were having.

  You struggled with depression and/or anxiety due to not knowing the reason why you were feeling so out-of-sorts socially, as well as physically.

  You considered the option of ending your life and/or attempted to end your life.

  You didn’t explore other aspects of who you were as a person.

  You developed social awkwardness due to feeling very self-conscious around others.

  You experienced a high level of shame, discomfort, and disdain about your body and/or face.

  You dissociated from your body, consciously or unconsciously (i.e., disconnected your mind from body, so as to not have to feel its presence).

  You found dating and intimate relationships to be very confusing and/or scary.

  Your first experiences with sex were filled with discomfort, uncertainty, and dissociation.

  You turned to alcohol, drugs, and/or self-harm as a means of escape.

  You took steps to become as much as possible like the gender you were assigned at birth (a.k.a. hyper-masculinizing or hyper-feminizing).

  You disliked, despised, or hated yourself.

  You felt so uncertain as to who you were that you became a stranger even to yourself.

  Here Comes Puberty

  As awkward as the life stage of puberty can be, the physical changes can result in a teen feeling an empowering sense of moving away from childhood as they develop characteristics of adults. However, if you don’t feel aligned with your gender assigned at birth, things can take a difficult turn during what is, for others, an expected rite of passage. That’s because puberty causes your body to develop secondary sex characteristics based on the sex hormones present in your body, not based on how you experience your gender (unfortunately, hormones really don’t care about that).

  I surveyed my Conversations with a Gender Therapist Facebook community and posed this question to the transgender, nonbinary, and gender diverse members of my audience: “What was your experience with puberty?”36

  Read through their responses below. Can you relate to any of their answers? Place a star next to the ones you feel apply to the way you experienced puberty.

  “It was very confusing. Throughout that stage, it felt like I had the wrong hormones. My brain was always telling me to go one direction, but puberty kept pulling me the other direction.”

  “I knew I wanted to be a boy since the age of three or four, but I was bullied a lot because of it, so when puberty hit I just tried to fit in and started copying the girls.”

  “Hell. As I grew hair and hit six feet tall, I looked at the other girls around me and wondered why I wasn’t growing breasts like they were.”

  “I didn’t have so much of an issue with getting my period as I did with growing large breasts and developing really feminine curves. It felt like an out-of-body experience that I just had to somehow deal with.”

  “I woke up often from dreams in which my body was developing properly, little breasts forming, my penis no longer there, and I would check under
the sheets and only then would I realize that it was just a dream.”

  “Mine was fairly normal, except freaking out about growing hair on my body.”

  “Female puberty was something I knew existed, but didn’t believe that it would ever happen to me.”

  “It was as if two personalities were fighting within myself: he and she.”

  “I was so disassociated with sexuality and gender, I just thought this was how life was.”

  “Puberty for myself seemed backwards and strange.”

  “Physical changes during puberty didn’t feel all that uncomfortable, but the social expectations about what it meant to be a boy were downright awful.”

  “I felt that my body was betraying me. Felt everything was a lie.”

  You can see these responses range from mild distress, to confusion, to extreme pain. This is yet another reminder of how there are many different levels on which gender identity discomfort can be experienced.

  The Physical Changes Brought on by Puberty

  Below you’ll find a list of the secondary sex characteristics usually occurring when someone goes through puberty.37

  On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being not much at all and 10 being very much, how much discomfort did you experience with each of the secondary sex characteristics listed below when going through puberty? Write your answer in the blank next to each item.38