You and Your Gender Identity Read online

  • Find people around whom you can be yourself.

  • Say the words aloud that you are thinking and feeling.

  • Realize that concerns about possibly transitioning are often concerns about other people.

  • Learn the language that describes your existence.

  • Examine what you were taught about gender vs. who you are discovering you actually are.

  • Realize that gender dysphoria can be physical, mental, emotional, social, or all of the above.

  • Recognize you don’t have to experience gender dysphoria to be trans or to want to transition.

  • Realize there’s no such thing as not being “trans enough.”

  • Understand there is a gender continuum as opposed to having to choose between one or the other.

  • Try things until you it feels right to you, whatever that means.

  • Figure out what resources other people use.

  • Talk with people who are like you/going through a similar experience.

  If any of these ideas sounded of interest to you, you are in luck. We will go into detail as to how you can follow through on many of the items on this list throughout Stage Three: Exploration.

  WISDOM TIP 4: THE STAGES OF GENDER IDENTITY FORMATION

  It might bring comfort to some of you to know there are stages that a significant number of individuals go through as they try to make sense of their gender identity. These stages were first conceived by Aaron H. Devor, PhD (a sociologist, sexologist, and trans man) in 2004 and are summarized below.44 I’ve made a few adjustments to his descriptions of gender identity to create consistency with current terminology.

  This list is by no means an absolute determinant for how one goes through their gender identity realizations. It merely demonstrates that it is normal and expected to experience confusion, uncertainty, and curiosity throughout this process.

  Here are things to keep in mind as you read through Devor’s stages:

  • These stages are going to be different for everyone.

  • Not all of the stages have to be experienced.

  • The stages do not have to be experienced in the order listed.

  • The length of each stage will vary from person to person.

  • Some of the stages may end up being repeated/returned to.

  • One might settle at a certain stage and choose to not move past it.

  See if you can relate to any of the stages. Return to this list as often as you need to throughout your journey.45

  Stage 1: Underlying/Unexplainable Anxiety

  Not being sure why you feel the way you feel.

  Stage 2: Confusion Around Your Gender Assigned at Birth

  Wondering if the gender you were assigned at birth actually matches who you are.

  Stage 3: Making Comparisons

  Seeking out and exploring other gender identities as possibilities while not knowing consciously why you are doing this.

  Stage 4: Discovering the Word [Transgender]

  Learning this is something that exists.

  Stage 5: Confusion Around Your Identity Related to Being [Transgender]

  Questioning the authenticity of whether or not your experience matches that of being [transgender].

  Stage 6: Making Comparisons Between Yourself and Those Who Are [Transgender]

  Testing and experimenting to see if other gender options are ones you can identify with. Identifying less with your gender assigned at birth.

  Stage 7: Possible Acceptance of Being [Transgender]

  Beginning to conclude that you probably are [transgender].

  Stage 8: Delay of Acceptance of Being [Transgender]

  Possible fears and challenges arise. Seeking more confirmation of being [transgender].

  Stage 9: Acceptance of Being [Transgender]

  Concluding that you are indeed [transgender].

  Stage 10: Delay Before Transition (optional)

  Gathering information on how to transition. Considering changes that might occur socially, professionally, etc.

  Stage 11: Transition (optional)

  Undergoing social and/or medical transition.

  Stage 12: Acceptance of Self, Post-Transition

  Establishing self as one’s true gender identity, both internally and externally.

  Stage 13: Integration

  Incorporating your gender identity with all aspects of who you are.

  Stage 14: Pride

  Being open and out as [transgender]. Possibly getting involved with advocacy for [transgender] rights.

  WISDOM TIP 5: SIMPLIFYING THE COMPLICATED

  Your gender identity touches and affects nearly every aspect of the way you experience yourself in the world and the way the world experiences you. When all these layers are competing for attention it can make the task of exploring your gender feel overwhelming and complicated. Therefore it is important you learn how to simplify things by examining each layer separately. Once you’ve done this you can bring all the pieces back together to see your big picture with more clarity and find more accurate answers about your gender identity.

  Here are examples of the layers that might be affecting your exploration of your gender identity:

  • Sexual orientation questions

  • Childhood trauma and/or influences

  • Mental illness (diagnosed and undiagnosed)

  • The influence of learned gender stereotypes

  • Physical discomfort with your gender

  • Mental and emotional discomfort with your gender

  • Social discomfort with your gender

  • A sense of dislike toward certain genders

  • A preference for certain genders

  • Internalized transphobia and/or homophobia

  • Personality traits

  • Religious/spiritual influences

  In the following chapters, you’ll begin the process of peeling back your layers, one by one. Then, once you’ve completed these chapters, you’ll learn how to integrate these various aspects of yourself to form a more complete picture of who you are.

  You are a complex, multifaceted being, which can be both amazing and overwhelming to experience. Examining each of these layers individually is the key to getting through this process without being swallowed up by the enormity of it.

  WISDOM TIP 6: LABEL-FREE GENDER IDENTITY EXPLORATION

  Do you believe having the words to explain your gender identity is of high importance? Do you prefer not to be labeled? Do you think you’ll find words to describe how you feel now but could see yourself not using them later?

  Regardless of which camp you fall into, many of the exercises in Stage Three: Exploration are geared toward exploring gender as thoroughly as possible without having to assign a name to what you discover. Being able to answer questions about yourself without the pressure of a final destination can be very freeing. For example, you could go into this part of the guide wondering, “Am I or am I not transgender?” Or, you could try to approach yourself with curiosity as a whole person and with an open mind.

  As you work through the exercises in Stage Three: Exploration, keep in mind there is no need for black and white answers to the questions you have about your gender. Gender is complex, multilayered, and very individualized. There are many options and combinations for you to choose from to find what fits you. This is a somewhat new line of thinking that many (though certainly not all) parts of the world are beginning to embrace, and I encourage to you keep that in mind as you progress through this part of the book. Upon completion of Stage Three: Exploration, you’ll have the opportunity to explore terms and phrases that you may want to use when describing yourself and your gender identity. The goal is to find what works for you (which may not be what works for someone else).

  You may feel pressure to “prove” that you don’t identify as the gender you were assigned at birth and therefore must use certain terms to label yourself and your gender identity. This pressure can come from mental health
and medical professionals, your family, your friends, and even from yourself.

  It is realistic to keep in mind that we live in a world in which you might need to describe your gender identity to others in such a way that could make you feel uncomfortable. We will take a closer look at that in Chapter 14. In the meantime, try to set aside these pressures as you work through the exercises in this section—this part of the journey is for you.

  WISDOM TIP 7: WHAT IF THIS TURNS OUT TO BE TRUE?

  For some of you the question, “What if this turns out to be true?” may already be ringing around in your brain (“this” being the need to do something about the gap you feel between your actual gender identity and your gender assigned at birth).

  Ask yourself: How much is my fear of ‘this’ keeping me from facing the truth?

  It’s completely understandable if this is the case. There are numerous challenges that can arise if one realizes the answer to the question, “Are you uncomfortable with your gender assigned at birth?” is “Yes.”

  Here are examples of concerns that can result from having this discovery about oneself:

  • “Should I transition medically? If so, how?”

  • “Should I transition socially? If so, how?”

  • “How do I find a gender therapist?”

  • “How should I come out to my family members and friends?”

  • “How should I come out at work, school, to my faith community, and in other areas of my life?”

  • “What steps do I need to take to legally to change my name and/or gender marker?”

  • “In what ways am I protected or not protected by laws in my state and/or country?”

  • “How should I handle possible discrimination, harassment, and other forms of negativity?”

  • “Does my health insurance cover the costs of transitioning?”

  • “How can I plan to cover the costs of transitioning?”

  Keep these tips in mind as you begin the Exploration Exercises in Stage Three: Exploration and use them to help you work through any anxiety that may come up as a result of what you discover:

  • It is normal to feel overwhelmed by the possibility that this could end up being true.

  • Gently check in with yourself as you work through this part of the guide, asking, “Do I really know, deep down, what the answer is? Is my fear of the answer being ‘Yes’ keeping me from admitting it?”

  • All of your aha moments during Stage Three: Exploration will help you to move further away from your gender assigned at birth and more toward … well, that’s what you’re trying to figure out. Try to refrain from any predetermined end goal and allow yourself the freedom to see what lies ahead.

  • Eventually you’ll find your sweet spot when it comes to the unique way you describe and express your gender identity.

  40 Joseph Campbell, “Initiation/The Road of Trials,” in The Hero with a Thousand Faces, (Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press, 1972).

  41 Vogler, 1998.

  42 Stephen Spielberg, Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, (Los Angeles: Paramount Pictures), 1981, film.

  43 Dara Hoffman-Fox, Conversations with a Gender Therapist, Facebook post, n.d., https://www.facebook.com/darahoffmanfoxlpc/posts.

  44 Aaron H. Devor, “Witnessing and Mirroring: A Fourteen Stage Model of Transsexual Identity Formation,” Journal of Gay & Lesbian Mental Health 8, no. 1, (2004): 41–67.

  45 Although the word “transgender” is used throughout the stages, I’ve put it in brackets to remind you that you can fill in any term that makes more sense for your experience (e.g., nonbinary, gender dysphoric, trans, agender, genderfluid, etc.).

  Getting Organized: Keeping Track of Your Exploration Ideas

  The further you go into Stage Three: Exploration, the more Exploration Ideas you will encounter. It’s important to get organized early on and have a way to keep track of all of them. Having someplace to do this will:

  • Give you a place to dump them so they don’t rattle around in your head.

  • Keep them from being forgotten before they’ve had the chance to be explored.

  • Help organize your thoughts during your journey.

  • Create something you can share with those who accompany you along this journey.

  • Help you assess your progress along the way.

  • Enable the creation of a daily ritual to keep track of your exploration ideas.

  There are many methods to choose from to keep track of your Exploration Ideas. Find one that suits your personality, your pace of life, your preference for old school or something more techy. There’s something out there for everyone. For example, you can use:

  Pinterest

  Apps such as Evernote, Wunderlist, Pocket, etc.

  Bookmarks and folders in your web browser

  A notebook

  A sketchbook

  A file on your computer (e.g., Word document, Excel spreadsheet)

  A decorative journal

  Your mobile device (e.g., Notes)

  Place a checkmark next to any of these ideas you can you see yourself using for keeping track of your Exploration Ideas.

  Here are ways you can use an Exploration Ideas List for keeping track of general ideas:

  • Find YouTubers to follow.

  • Search for a local support group.

  • Get magazines and cut out pictures of hairstyles you might want to try.

  • Find a therapist you can talk to.

  Here are ways you can use an Exploration Ideas List for keeping track of specific ideas:

  • Subscribe to the Neutrois Nonsense blog to learn more about nonbinary identities.

  • Go shopping with [name of person] at a thrift store by [set date] to explore new clothing options.

  • Journal for twenty minutes every morning about how you are feeling about your gender exploration.

  • Purchase Trans Bodies, Trans Selves.

  Think of your Exploration Ideas List as a syllabus of sorts that you are creating for your very own program of study—the study of yourself.

  Chapter 8

  Keeping in Mind the Big Picture

  Wrestling with questions about your gender identity can be so all-encompassing that it becomes easy to forget it is only one aspect of who you are as a person.

  In this chapter, you will be introduced to ways you can keep the big picture of who you are in mind. By doing this, you will make your self-discovery process a little less complicated, confusing, and overwhelming. You will be taking a closer look at:

  Internalized Transphobia: Something that might be getting in the way of you being able to see the big picture is internalized transphobia. You will explore what this is, how it can interfere with the crucial step of self-acceptance, and how much of this you might be experiencing.

  You and Your Identities: This chapter serves as a reminder that you have other identities in addition to your gender identity. You will take a big picture look at what it means to have identities, why you need them to better connect with your sense of self, how you share your identities with others, and why it is wise to not get overly-attached to your identities.

  The Questionnaire: Through this questionnaire you’ll get a better idea of your unique big picture. You’ll do this by exploring, in detail and layer by layer, the different ways you are being affected by gender identity confusion.

  Becoming Aware of Internalized Transphobia

  Gut check! Without hesitation, answer this question:

  How much am I resisting the very thought of being transgender or trans?

  Maybe you are transgender or trans, and maybe you’re not.46 To be able to answer this question truthfully and accurately you need to be aware of how much resistance you have to the very thought of this.

  It is a sad (but true) reality that many of you reading this book feel resistance toward accepting that you might be transgender or trans. The root of this resistance oftentimes comes in the form of what is ca
lled internalized transphobia. Internalized transphobia can disrupt your ability to see the big picture, usually without you even knowing it. If you are unaware of its presence, you might unconsciously sabotage yourself throughout the course of not only your gender identity journey, but your entire life.

  This exercise will help reveal any internalized transphobia that might be inhibiting your self-exploration journey. Bringing it to light will enable you to work through these difficult feelings, giving you control over how much they affect you. Otherwise, if you continue to repress them, they will have control over you.

  WHAT IS TRANSPHOBIA?

  The root of transphobia, whether it’s being felt about oneself or about someone else, is fear. There is something about straying from what we know to be the expectations of gender that results in anxiety, discomfort, uncertainty, and even anger in certain individuals. The fear at the root of transphobia stems from inaccurate conceptions of gender and gender identity that remain deeply ingrained into many cultures (it’s as if The Ways of Old has a Bodyguard who is freaking out at the very notion that there could be such a thing as someone not feeling aligned with their gender assigned at birth).

  WHAT IS INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA?

  Here are examples of what a person’s internal dialogue can sound like when it’s laced with internalized transphobia:

  • “Why can’t you just be normal?”

  • “You’ll look terrible as a [fill in gender].”

  • “Nobody will see you as a ‘real’ [fill in gender].”

  • “I’m pretty sure you’re just delusional.”

  • “This is really about how you were [fill in traumatizing childhood event].”

  • “This is only a symptom of your [fill in other diagnosis you might have].”

  • “You’re really only trying to live out a fetish/fantasy.”

  • “No one will ever want to be in a relationship with you because you’re not a ‘real’ [fill in gender].”

  • “You’re too young to know this about yourself.”

  • “You’re too old to bother with trying to change anything about this.”