You and Your Gender Identity Read online

  • “You will never find a partner who will want to be with you because of this.”

  Put a star next to any of the examples above that sound familiar in relation to your own internal dialogue. When you reflect on these thoughts, which ones are the most damaging?

  This internal dialogue can be followed by feelings of:

  • Shame

  • Guilt

  • Anger

  • Depression

  • Hatred

  • Disappointment

  • An urge to self-harm

  • Anxiety

  • Confusion

  • Despair

  • Panic

  • Feeling lost

  • Self-loathing

  • Disgust

  • Hurt

  • Fear

  Put a star next to any of the examples above that are feelings you have experienced as a result of your own transphobic internal dialogue. When you reflect on these feelings, which ones are the most painful?

  These feelings are so painful that the cycle can result in:

  • Denial

  • Repression

  • Talking yourself out of further exploration

  • Staying stuck in a place of wishing to be cisgender (i.e., to feel aligned with your gender assigned at birth)

  • Increased internalized transphobia toward self

  • Increased internalized transphobia toward others

  • Checking-out mentally, emotionally, and/or socially

  • Trying to find yourself in other identities

  • Excessive use of alcohol and/or drugs or other potentially destructive behaviors

  • Taking this pain out on others, including those who are transgender or nonbinary

  Have you ever found yourself in this stage of this cycle? If so, record examples here.

  DISCOVERING THE PRESENCE OF INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA

  Now that you have a better idea as to how internalized transphobia reveals itself, let’s look more closely at whether or not it is present within you.

  Step 1: Asking the Question

  Find a mirror and, looking at your reflection, read the following statement. Pay attention to your internal response.

  “There is a chance that I am transgender and/or nonbinary.”

  Step 2: Taking Note of Your Thoughts

  What are the voices in your head saying? Are these the voices of people who are understanding and supportive or are they the voices of doubters, critics, and haters?

  Journal about this now.

  Step 3: Taking Note of Your Feelings

  What feelings come up for you during this exercise? What feelings will linger with you for the rest of the day, maybe even longer?

  Journal about this now.

  Step 4: Taking Note of How You Cope

  What do you usually do to try to cope with these thoughts and feelings? These can be responses you do consciously (i.e., “I know I am drinking/withdrawing/angry because of this”) or unconsciously (i.e., not knowing you were taking your feelings about this out on other people).

  WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA

  By working through this exercise, you are already taking one of the most important steps toward challenging internalized transphobia: to even know if it exists within you. It’s possible you didn’t realize this is what you’ve been experiencing. This is understandable: so many of us go through life unaware of the internal dialogue we constantly have going on in our minds.

  Let’s look at ways you can learn to recognize when you are engaging with internalized transphobia and what you can do about it.

  Step 1: Which Voice Are You Hearing?

  With enough practice, you’ll be able to tell if your self-talk is coming from an Internal Bully or from your Bodyguard. The key is to ask yourself:

  • Which words are being used in my self-talk?

  • What is the tone and intention of my self-talk?

  For example, when you read through the internal dialogue examples at the beginning of the exercise, you may have heard them as having a biting, condescending, shaming tone of a bully. This Internal Bully is trying to change your mind by scaring you into submission, wanting to send you back into the prison within yourself. Conversely, your Bodyguard, while still highly concerned about what might happen to you on your self-discovery journey, wants you to be okay and can learn to work together with you to make that happen.

  Step 2: Reframing the Self-Talk

  Here are examples of how to reframe statements using your Bodyguard as the voice instead of the Internal Bully. Try this out by looking in the mirror as you reframe the original statements:

  Internal Bully: “You are such a freak. Why can’t you just be ‘normal’?”

  Bodyguard: “It scares me to think of everything you might have to go through if it turns out you are trans/transgender. I know you don’t like feeling ‘different’ but you are not alone. How can we find others who are going through this?”

  Internal Bully: “This is nonsense, you’re too young to know this about yourself.”

  Bodyguard: “I’ve heard people say you can’t figure this sort of thing out about yourself until you’re an adult. I’m not sure if they’re right or not. Who do we trust to talk to about this to find out?”

  It is important for you to be able to acknowledge your anxiety around the possibility of being trans/transgender. This step teaches you to both recognize and do this from a place of encouragement and understanding instead of a place of anger, fear, and self-loathing.

  Step 3: Staying Alert to the Presence of Internalized Transphobia

  When you utilize the Check-In Time prompt throughout Stage Three: Exploration, read through what you have written and pay attention to anything that indicates the presence of internalized transphobia. Whenever this comes up, use this exercise to reframe your self-talk in such a way that reflects comfort and understanding.

  BEING FREE OF INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA

  One of the greatest benefits of being free of internalized transphobia is reaching a point of self-acceptance. Self-acceptance doesn’t mean you aren’t going to experience fear, anger, sadness, and confusion on this journey. What self-acceptance does is replace the negative beliefs you have about yourself with regard to being transgender and/or trans with beliefs that are encouraging, accepting, and compassionate.

  Here’s how some of the members of my Conversations with a Gender Therapist Facebook community described what it was like for them to finally experience self-acceptance in relation to gender identity:47

  “Finally loving myself.”

  “Decisions and answers became clearer.”

  “I’m more committed to living.”

  “I have pride in myself.”

  “I can finally be real.”

  “I have a better life.”

  “I’m happy with myself.”

  “I can accept it even if I don’t understand it.”

  “I have a better understanding of myself.”

  “It’s like a weight has been lifted.”

  “I nurture myself now.”

  “I see the positives of myself.”

  “I feel at peace.”

  Place a star next to the ones you most want to experience. Are there any not listed that you would like to add?

  There isn’t a timeline or formula that predicts when self-acceptance will happen for you, so remember to be patient with yourself through this process. Everyone is different when it comes to what bullying messages they have heard over the course of their life, and how deeply they have internalized them. Being aware of internalized transphobia is a huge step, so continue to monitor where you are with this when you are prompted at the end of each exercise to pause and reflect.

  CHECK-IN TIME

  Take a few minutes to record how you feel now that you’ve finished this exercise. What did you learn about yourself? What was challenging about this exercise? What did you gain from this exercise?

 
You and Your Identities

  As essential as it is to understand your gender identity, it is important to remember you are made up of many other identities as well. In this exercise, we’re going to take a look at the big picture of what it means to have identities, why we need them to better connect with our sense of self, how we share our identities with others, and why it is wise to not get overly attached to our identities.

  HOW IDENTITIES HELP TO FORM YOUR SENSE OF SELF

  You were first introduced to the concept of having identities in Stage One: Preparation when you created a logline in which described yourself as a character on a journey. You also kept it in mind throughout Stage Two: Reflection when you learned that your adolescence is a pivotal time during which identity formation takes place.

  One of the definitions of the word identity is “the condition of being one’s self, and not another.”48 It is human nature to seek out explanations for who we are, how we fit into this world, and how we relate (and don’t relate) with others.

  Discovering who and what it is that you identify with can be useful in several ways:

  • Allows you to clarify who you are in relation to yourself, as well as to others.

  • Can bring you closer to answering the question, “Who am I?”

  • Helps you form a sense of who you are as a whole person.

  • Enhances your sense of uniqueness as an individual person.

  • Enhances your sense of belonging to a like-minded community/collective.

  WHAT ARE YOUR CURRENT IDENTITIES?

  Here are examples of different types of identities a person can have over the course of their lifetime:

  • Gender identity

  • Political affiliation

  • Religious affiliation

  • Nerd/geek

  • Kink

  • Astrology sign

  • Introvert/extravert

  • Personality type

  • Fandom

  • Subculture

  • Mental illness diagnosis

  • Spiritual beliefs

  • Physical descriptions

  • Cultural background

  • Ethnic background

  • Having an addiction to something or someone

  • Profession/job

  • Educational background

  • Things you enjoy (food, beverages, movies, music, TV, and book series)

  • Things you do (hobbies, interests)

  • Socioeconomic status

  • Relationship status

  • Age group

  • Sexual/romantic orientation

  • Lifestyle

  Place a star next to the identities you feel are important to use to describe who you are today. Add any others that aren’t listed below. Be sure to also list any identities that seem to conflict with one another.

  Looking at the list you just made, which ones do you feel relatively certain about and which ones do you feel are currently up for debate? List them here.

  EXAMINING YOUR PAST IDENTITIES

  Over the course of your lifetime, you have taken on any number of identities, whether or not you consciously knew it at the time. This is a normal part of the growing and learning process, as it has allowed to you test out these identities to see if they are authentic matches for you. It can be interesting to look back on identities you really thought were who you were at the time and recognize how you outgrew those identities. There are identities that stick with you your entire life and others you move away from but then return to.

  Read through the list of identities in the exercise above. Which ones have you used to describe yourself in the past? List them here. You can divide them up into age categories, such as adolescence/teenage years, young adulthood, ages eighteen to twenty-four, etc.

  Are there any identities which have remained consistent for you throughout the years? List them here.

  Which identities no longer fit, and why? How did you discern that? What was it like when you transitioned away from them and toward something else? List them here.

  SHARING (AND NOT SHARING) OUR IDENTITIES WITH OTHERS

  The realization and formation of our identities can be either a public or private matter, or often a combination of both. For instance, take a look at anyone’s social media account (including your own). More than likely you will see examples of a person’s identities splashed throughout the page: the profile picture that is chosen, the handle that is used, the information that is shared, the discussions that are brought up. This is even more apparent on dating/relationship sites, where the ability to succinctly describe who you are is key to attracting people that you would like to be in contact with.

  More than likely you won’t put every identity of yours out there for everyone to see, keeping some of them to yourself or for only those who know you intimately. This is especially true if you are feeling ambivalent about certain identities you’ve held for a while and are in the process of re-evaluating them.

  When you choose to share your identities with others, this can result in finding others who are like you. You may discover individuals, as well as communities, that embrace and support you. Although this isn’t a guarantee in every situation, it is something worth considering if you’re in search of likeminded folks to connect with.

  As affirming as it can be to reveal your identities (and therefore yourself) to others, this can also result in complications. It’s possible others might disagree with how you self-identify and/or decide on their own how they want to identify you. You also might move beyond certain identities while others are still attached to you having those identities, resulting in their resisting the changes you are experiencing. Although this might be disheartening, it is also understandable.

  Have you ever felt this way about an identity change someone else was going through?

  BECOMING OVERLY ATTACHED TO AN IDENTITY

  When you become overly attached to an identity, you might fail to realize certain truths about yourself. Examples of this are:

  • Using your identities to hide from an identity you aren’t ready to face.

  • Overemphasizing certain identities and neglecting your other identities.

  • Thinking of yourself only as an identity and not as a person having identities.

  • Being too invested in identities that no longer serve you, thus becoming blind to discovering other possible identities.

  As you continue to learn more about identity formation, you can become aware of the existence of your identities without letting them solely define who you are. Once you have this awareness, you’ll be able to better recognize when it is time to move on from identities that are no longer serving a purpose in your life.

  BRINGING GENDER IDENTITY BACK INTO THE PICTURE

  Look back at your answers in the exercise Examining Your Past Identities (page 112). Read over your response to the following questions: “Which identities no longer fit you? How do you know this?” You can use the answer to this question as a way to revisit your discovery and evolution process, this time focusing specifically on your gender identity.

  How have you realized in the past that a certain identity no longer suited you? How can you apply this to your current questions about your gender identity? Record your answer here.

  Keep in mind that gender affects nearly every aspect of who you are. This means the clearer you are about your gender identity, the clearer you’ll be about who you are as a whole.

  CHECK-IN TIME

  Take a few minutes to record how you feel now that you’ve finished this exercise. What did you learn about yourself? What was challenging about this exercise? What did you gain from this exercise?

  The Questionnaire

  The last step to keeping the big picture in mind during your gender identity exploration is exploring the different ways, layer by layer, you are being affected by gender identity confusion. This concept was first mentioned in Wisdom Tip 5: Simplifying the Complicated (page 97). Now we’re
going to put it into practice.

  The following questions will help you examine as many layers of yourself as possible, focusing on gender only if it makes sense for you to do so. This way you can discover which attributes of yourself and your life are most affected by gender and which are not. Once you’ve finished Stage Three: Exploration, you’ll have the chance to put all of these pieces together so you can see if any patterns have formed. For now, give each question as much individual attention as possible.

  TIPS FOR FILLING OUT THE QUESTIONNAIRE

  • Each question is open-ended. This is to encourage you to use your own words to describe your experience and give you the chance to explore complex questions in more depth.

  • The question “How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?” is asked because it is possible not all of the questions will tie back into your gender identity. Results will differ from person to person—there are no wrong or right answers here.

  • Fill out what you can. You may not be able to answer all of the questions right now, and/or your answers might change over time. You will have an opportunity to fill this questionnaire out again toward the end of the book once you have worked through Stage Three: Exploration.

  Examples

  Q: How do you feel about the name you currently use and are addressed as? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  A: I feel like my first name is gender neutral. This does relate to my gender because if it were a more female-sounding name, I would want to change it to something that would feel more fitting for me.

  Q: How do you feel about the amount of body hair that you have (or don’t have)? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  A: I do not like having body hair. I can’t even put into words how wrong it feels to have it and to have to see it on me. I am pretty sure this has to do with my gender, although maybe I just don’t like body hair in general?