You and Your Gender Identity Page 15
REMOVING GENDER FROM THE PICTURE (FOR NOW)
Let’s take a look at how you might be caught in the trap of trying to fit yourself into a male or female box based upon gender stereotypes. To do this, you’ll need to examine your interests, behaviors, and appearance as being separate from your gender identity and, instead, as a part of your overall identity.
The intention of this exercise is to make this leg of your gender identity exploration less complicated. Removing gender from the equation will help free you from constraints you may have put upon yourself and allow other aspects of who you are to be revealed.
Let’s look at each of these areas individually:
Interests
These could be hobbies, tastes in music, entertainment, what you read, what you watch, what you like to study and learn about, what you spend your time thinking about, things you like to do, who you like to spend time with, things you like to talk about, how you like to spend your time, what you like to eat and drink, where you like to spend your time, hobbies, quirks, lifestyles, etc.
Using the table on the next page, answer the following questions:
A: What are you interests? List these in column A. Include anything that comes to mind, even things that you keep hidden from others.
B: For each interest listed, write either “Male” or “Female” in column B if you’ve been taught to believe that your interest is traditionally associated with either of those genders. You can write “Neither” or “Both” as options as well.
C: If you were to look at each of these interests through a gender-neutral lens, would you still keep each interest in your life? Write “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe” in column C.
D: Leave column D blank for now—you’ll be using it for an exercise coming up later in this guide.
My Interests
Behaviors
Behaviors include the various aspects of the way you present yourself to the world. Behavior includes the way you use your body: the way you walk, the way you talk, the way you gesture. It can be the way you act in certain situations: assertive, passive, anxious, laid back, organized, spontaneous, cocky, humble, extraverted, introverted. It can be a certain role you’ve taken on: as a caregiver, an intellect, a leader, a free spirit, an adventurer, a mediator, an innovator.
Using the table on the next page, answer the following questions:
A: How would you describe your behaviors? List these in column A. Include anything that comes to mind, even things that you keep hidden from others.
B: For each behavior listed, write either “Male” or “Female” in column B if you’ve been taught to believe that your behavior is traditionally associated with either of those genders. You can write “Neither” or “Both” as options as well.
C: If you were able to remove the gender that is associated with each behavior, would you still want to keep them? Write “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe” in column C.
D: Leave column D blank for now—you’ll be using it for an exercise coming up later in this guide.
My Behaviors
Appearance
This is what you can control and change about your appearance. Think of it as you, head to toe: your hair (its length, how it’s cut, color or highlights, is it thinning?), the structure of your face, makeup, your eyebrow shape (tweezed or not?), ear piercings, any other piercings, sunglasses, reading glasses, use of accessories (such as headwear, scarves, rings, bracelets, suspenders, ties, purse/bag), fingernails and toenails (painted or not?), smells (perfume, cologne, scent of shampoo or deodorant), weight, tattoos, types and style of outfits worn (including footwear), undergarments. All of these aspects (the ones you display publicly and the ones you might keep private) come together as a visual picture of how others see you, as well as how you see yourself.
Using the table on the next page, answer the following questions:
A: How would you describe your appearance? List these in column A.
B: For each aspect of your appearance listed, write either “Male” or “Female” in column B if you’ve been taught to believe that this aspect is traditionally associated with either of those genders. You can write “Neither” or “Both” as options as well.
C: If you were able to remove the gender that is associated with each aspect of your appearance, would you still want to keep it? Write “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe” in column C.
D: Leave column D blank for now—you’ll be using it for an exercise coming up later in this guide.
My Appearance
Based on your answers in this exercise, how close are you to having interests, behaviors, and an appearance that is consistent with who you truly feel you are? Use a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being not very close and 10 being very close.
CHECK-IN TIME
Take a few minutes to record how you feel now that you’ve finished this exercise. What did you learn about yourself? What was challenging about this exercise? What did you gain from this exercise?
49 “Understanding Gender,” Gender Spectrum, https://www.genderspectrum.org/quick-links/understanding-gender/.
50 With ultrasound technology, this assignment of sex and gender can even happen while the baby is in the womb.
51 Saul McLeod, “Social Identity Theory,” Simply Psychology, 2008, http://www.simplypsychology.org/social-identity-theory.html.
52 Transsexual has developed a negative connotation in many respects and therefore should only be used if it is how a person asks to be identified.
53 Dictionary.com, s.v. “dysphoria,” http://www.dictionary.com/browse/dysphoria?s=t.
54 World Professional Association for Transgender Health, Standards of Care for the Health of Transsexual, Transgender, and Gender Nonconforming People, (Elgin, IL: World Professional Association for Transgender Health, 2012).
55 Kay Brown, “The More Things Change …,” On the Science of Changing Sex, September 7, 2014, https://sillyolme.wordpress.com/2014/09/07/the-more-things-change/.
56 Ronnie Ritchie, “You Can Still Be Transgender If You Don’t Feel Physical Dysphoria – Here’s Why,” Everyday Feminism, May 5, 2016, http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/05/transgender-without-dysphoria/.
57 Micah, “Non-Binary Transition,” (Neutrois Nonsense, n.d.), https://neutrois.me/non-binary-transition/.
58 Nonbinary.org Wiki (Nonbinary.org, n.d.), http://nonbinary.org/wiki/.
59 Thecharliecharmander, (YouTube, n.d.), https://www.youtube.com/user/thecharliecharmander.
60 “Gender Stereotypes: Definition, Examples and Analysis,” No Bullying.com, September 9, 2016, http://nobullying.com/gender-stereotypes/.
Chapter 10
Finding Support Through Connecting with Others
Look again at Wisdom Tip 3: Learn from Those Who’ve Been There (page 94). Notice how many of the suggestions can be addressed (both directly and indirectly) by finding people you can identify and connect with:
• Learn (and believe) that being transgender, nonbinary, and/or gender diverse is something that exists.
• Seek out and experience validation of who you are and how you feel.
• Realize that medically and/or socially transitioning to align yourself with your true gender is possible.
• Find people who experience and see you as who you really are.
• Discover what resources other people use.
• Talk with people who are like you and/or are going through a similar experience.
In this chapter, you’ll be taking steps to:
Learn from Others’ Stories: You’ll see how learning from the stories of people you identify and connect with can help reveal important information about yourself and how you can go about finding these types of kindred folks and their stories.
Connect with Others Online: You’ll explore the benefits of finding others online, learn how to connect with them, and how to do so while remaining safe and smart.
Connect with Others in Person: We’ll look at how easy or difficult it might be for you to co
nnect with others in person, how you can find people to connect with, and what to do if you want to do this but are unable to at this time.
Learn from Others’ Stories
There’s something indescribable about how it feels to see, hear, or read the account of someone’s story and recognize yourself in it. People will often describe this as an aha moment, an epiphany, or a revelation. This type of connection with a person and their story occurs when it connects with you not only mentally, but emotionally as well.
Here are ways this realization can be experienced:
• Feeling emotional
• Crying
• Getting goosebumps or chills
• Feeling lightheaded
• Feeling elated
• Feeling a sense of calm/peace
• Feeling a rush of adrenaline
• Becoming short of breath
• Being in a state of shock
• Feeling like the world is spinning
• Feeling like the world has stopped
• Having a desire to exclaim something loudly
• Having a strong urge to share what you have just discovered with someone else
These feelings usually don’t last for long, but they can be deeply impactful. Something in your brain chemistry changes in that moment, and the world is rarely ever the same afterwards.
In this exercise, we will take a look at where you can find these stories, as well as ideas for how you can use what you learn from them to move further along in your gender identity discovery. This will specifically be focused on people with whom you will likely not be interacting (unless they are in the habit of responding to messages and comments).
HOW YOU TAKE IN INFORMATION
Think about your preferences and abilities when it comes to finding stories. Place a checkmark next to the items that relate to you:
Do you prefer to watch videos?
Do you prefer to read books?
Do you prefer to listen to audiobooks?
Do you prefer to read blog posts or articles?
Do you prefer to read news articles?
Do you prefer to listen to podcasts?
Do you prefer to watch reality TV shows?
Do you prefer to watch documentaries?
By focusing on the specific media that you are most likely to seek out, you will be able to narrow your search options down more quickly.
Finding Stories to Connect with
Finding stories you connect with can take perseverance. On the bright side, the age of the Internet has made it far easier to find what you are looking for. However, it also means it could take a while to find what you are specifically looking for.
Most people will begin by typing what they are looking for into their preferred search engine. Typing in transgender videos or gender confusion will pull up too many results and will probably be overwhelming. You can make your search more specific by using terms you connect with (if you are uncertain as to what these might be, look ahead to the list of gender identity options in Chapter 14).
Examples of this are:
• Nonbinary testimonials
• Trans women timelines
• Advice from trans men
• Teens who think they are transgender
• People who feel like they don’t have a gender
Here are a few more tips to keep in mind as you continue your search for stories you can connect with:
• Try to use as many different combinations of words and phrases as you can.
• Include in your search the medium through which you prefer to take in information (videos, books, podcasts, reality TV shows).
• When choosing what to search for, you might have to make educated guesses as to what it is you are experiencing. Don’t worry—you can take as many guesses as you need to, especially as you continue to learn more about yourself.
• If at first you don’t come across stories you can relate to don’t give up, as it might take a while to sift through everything that is out there.
• If you strongly connect to characters in novels/literature, television series, motion picture films, fan fiction, comics, etc. you can also search for fictional stories for inspiration. However, be sure the creators of the work can be trusted to tell the characters’ stories with respect, accuracy, and compassion. Doing a search online for opinions others have shared about these fictional pieces of work can give you an idea as to whether or not it is worth exploring.
Keeping Track of Who You Connect with
When you discover stories you connect with they will grab your attention and leave a huge impression on you. You can use this section to keep a record of the videos, blog posts, books, etc. so you will always remember how and why they impacted you. You will have this to look back on when you encounter doubt and uncertainty, as well as to turn to for inspiration and comfort.
Use the space below to keep track of the stories that have inspired you. Also, don’t forget to add these resources to your Master List for easy access. (see Getting Organized, page 100).
Story 1
Whom did you connect with?
Title of what you watched or read:
Where did you find them (include specific link, if needed)?
What are key phrases/words they used that connected with you?
In what ways were you able to connect with what they were saying?
How did you feel after you read, heard, or watched their story (include mental, emotional, and reactions/observations)?
Do you want to follow/subscribe to this person so you can continue to learn from them (if it’s an option)?
Story 2
Whom did you connect with?
Title of what you watched or read:
Where did you find them (include specific link, if needed)?
What are key phrases/words they used that connected with you?
In what ways were you able to connect with what they were saying?
How did you feel after you read, heard, or watched their story (include mental, emotional, and reactions/observations)?
Do you want to follow/subscribe to this person so you can continue to learn from them (if it’s an option)?
Story 3
Whom did you connect with?
Title of what you watched or read:
Where did you find them (include specific link, if needed)?
What are key phrases/words they used that connected with you?
In what ways were you able to connect with what they were saying?
How did you feel after you read, heard, or watched their story (include mental, emotional, and reactions/observations)?
Do you want to follow/subscribe to this person so you can continue to learn from them (if it’s an option)?
Story 4
Whom did you connect with?
Title of what you watched or read:
Where did you find them (include specific link, if needed)?
What are key phrases/words they used that connected with you?
In what ways were you able to connect with what they were saying?
How did you feel after you read, heard, or watched their story (include mental, emotional, and reactions/observations)?
Do you want to follow/subscribe to this person so you can continue to learn from them (if it’s an option)?
Story 5
Whom did you connect with?
Title of what you watched or read:
Where did you find them (include specific link, if needed)?
What are key phrases/words they used that connected with you?
In what ways were you able to connect with what they were saying?
How did you feel after you read, heard, or watched their story (include mental, emotional, and reactions/observations)?
Do you want to follow/subscribe to this person so you can continue to learn from them (if it’s an option)?
CHECK-IN TIME
Take a few minutes to record how you feel now that you�
�ve finished this exercise. What did you learn about yourself? What was challenging about this exercise? What did you gain from this exercise?
Connect with Others Online
Interacting with others online isn’t for everyone. It’s understandable that someone might feel hesitant to reach out to strangers, especially those they may never meet in person. However, if you are open to trying, this exercise will discuss the benefits of connecting with others online, how to find them, and being safe and smart about it.
WHY CONNECT WITH OTHERS ONLINE?
There are many advantages to connecting with others online. It can provide the opportunity to:
• Get ideas and support from those having similar experiences.
• Explore more of who you are from the privacy of your home.
• Find validation for the way you are feeling.
• Practice talking with others about yourself before coming out to loved ones.
• Connect with others who can relate to what you are going through.
• Help you see potential and possibilities.
• Find friendship and reduce loneliness/isolation.
• Remind you there are others out there like you.
• Find out what resources other people use.
What are some of the reasons you would want to connect with others online?
Connecting online also offers multiple options for communicating with others. Contact often begins in written form, and it can stay that way if that is what you are most comfortable with. You can also limit the conversations to a public forum or initiate more private, one-on-one conversations. If you decide you are comfortable enough to take the relationship a step further, you can use platforms such as Skype or FaceTime to have video chats. You can also agree to exchange phone numbers so you can call or text each other.