You and Your Gender Identity Page 16
TIPS FOR FINDING OTHERS ONLINE
Just as it can be both easy and difficult to find stories online, the experience of finding people to connect with is very similar. Chances are there is someone out there who would be the right person (or persons) for you to talk to—the challenge is finding them among all of the noise of the Internet. The best way you can go about doing this are the three Ps: Patience, Personable, and Practice.
Patience: You may have to try several different methods of connecting with others before you find the one that works best for you. You may also attempt to connect with several different people before you find those with whom you click. It’s just like when you are trying to make friends in person: it takes time and patience.
Personable: Before you jump online seeking others to connect with, keep in mind these are going to be social exchanges. Treat this experience as if you were getting to know someone in person. Introduce yourself, be friendly, ask others about themselves, and don’t overshare. Also keep in mind that you may be interacting with people from all over the world, so be mindful of any cultural or societal differences. As you continue to get to know people, you can relax a bit more into the relationships.
Practice: If you aren’t used to talking with others about your gender identity, you’ll definitely need some practice. Go easy on yourself—it might take a while to figure out how to talk about what’s on your mind. You might also need practice when it comes to how to use the Internet to find others online. Don’t give up—with practice, and the resources below, you’ll get the hang of it.
WHERE TO FIND OTHERS ONLINE
The options for connecting with others online are nearly endless. What follows are ideas as to how you can get started. Keep in mind these are general resources—you’ll still need to search for those specific terms and phrases we discussed in the previous exercise to help you find the types of people you would like to connect with.
Before we begin, consider this: although you may be ready to connect with others online, you may not be ready to reveal to certain people in your life that you are exploring your gender identity. Therefore, you may want to consider setting up a separate account that is specifically used for reaching out to these new connections so you can continue your exploration in privacy (check with each site to see what their rules are around this). Keep in mind that you may later have to explain to those in your life why you set up this separate account.
Place a checkmark next to the resources you can see yourself following up on:
YouTube channels: Although you may get lucky enough to find someone who personally answers fans’ comments, more than likely it would be in the comments section that you can find folks with whom you might connect.
Forums, chat rooms, support websites: You can improve your chances of connecting with the right websites if you search for those that are specific to what it is you feel you are experiencing.
Facebook groups: Again, if you type in the specific type of group you are looking for, chances are you will be able to find it. Some groups are open, others are closed, and others are secret, so it’s up to you if that is an important criterion for you.
Mutual social media friends: Once you begin to connect with others online your network will continue to expand and grow. Pay attention to who is suggested to you as a potential new connection (“Who to Follow,” “You May Also Know …”). Be sure to follow the etiquette guidelines of whichever site you are using.
Reddit: Reddit is an online bulletin board system where you can find a wide variety of communities with whom to connect. People post content that others can share and/or comment on. Take time to get to know a certain community by seeing what it is they post and talk about, and then jump in when you feel ready.
Tumblr, Instagram, Twitter: Each of these sites/apps use hashtags (#) to help users find topics and people whom they want to follow and connect with. Each of these platforms has its own unique way of sharing information, so take a look at each individually to see which ones feel like someplace you’d like to spend time.
Dating/friendship websites or apps: Using a dating/friendship website or app is similar to using social media as a way to connect with others, with the added potential game-changer that it can increase your chances of connecting one-on-one with someone. Be sure to explore this option while being safe and smart.
Start your own blog: Instead of going out in search of others, this option brings others to you. If you decide to create your own blog, you will need to be sure it is listed in such a way so others can find it. You might also want to combine some of the other ideas in this list with your blog (i.e., finding communities and platforms online where you can share your blog/website). You can start a free blog through wordpress.com, wix.com, weebly.com, among others.
STAYING SAFE AND SMART CONNECTING WITH OTHERS ONLINE
Although the precautions one should take when interacting with others online may seem like common sense, it doesn’t hurt for us to review them in the context of this exercise. Meeting someone online that you have a made a real connection with can be exciting, even intoxicating. You may be tempted to go against your better judgment and bend a few of the rules, “just this one time.”
As a precaution, revisit these tips as often as you need while you begin to form connections with others online:
• Do not share your personal financial information, such as account numbers, passwords, social security number, etc., with anyone.
• Be cautious of what photos you decide to share of yourself, as well as of your loved ones.
• Wait to meet with someone in person until you have gotten to know them for an extended amount of time.
• If you decide to meet in person with someone, do so in a public place for at least the first encounter. Let someone else know what you are doing, where you are going, and when you expect to return.
• Remember, whatever you put on the Internet, both publicly and privately, can be saved and shared later on.
• Be careful about giving out your phone number—make sure you know the person well enough to feel confident that they will not use it more than you are comfortable with.
As for how you can be smart when connecting with others online, try to follow the same guidelines that apply to any in-person relationships you have experienced:
• Remember they are human, just like you. No one is always at their best all the time; feelings will get hurt, words will be misinterpreted.
• Treat it just like any other relationship. You may go through ups and downs. If this is someone you end up really connecting with, you’ll want to ride through the rough patches with patience and understanding.
• In public forums, speak up if you see or hear something that hints at bullying, shaming, or disrespect. If it makes you uncomfortable to do publicly, you can privately contact the person and/or contact the person who was on the receiving end of the comment, as well as the administrator of the group or site.
• Respect each other’s time. If you find people you enjoy talking with, remember that everyone has lives offline as well.
• Although you may want to seek out certain people and communities regarding your gender identity exploration, you can broaden your search as well. Are there communities you already belong to that you would feel comfortable being open with? Are there communities you haven’t connected with yet that are known for being open-minded, supportive, and understanding toward issues around gender identity? Opening up your mind to other communities will increase your chances of being able to find folks with whom you can make a connection.
CHECK-IN TIME
Take a few minutes to record how you feel now that you’ve finished this exercise. What did you learn about yourself? What was challenging about this exercise? What did you gain from this exercise?
Connect with Others in Person
In reality, connecting with others in person is going to be a challenge for some people. It could be that you aren’t ready to meet others in p
erson, that you are limited in your ability to find others to connect with in person, or that you are generally uncomfortable meeting new people.
Are You Ready and Able to Connect with Others in Person?
On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 1 being not at all and 10 being very much so) how close would you say the following describes your current situation?
You live in a city that has an LGBTQ center, a gender center/clinic, or both. You are on a college or university campus that has transgender, nonbinary, and/or gender diverse resources. There is a transgender/gender diverse conference held in the area in which you live. You already have friends, family members, or colleagues who identify as transgender, nonbinary, and/or gender diverse. You have a support group already built in at places you frequent, such as your church, place of employment, etc. You are able to meet people online who live near you and are able to meet them in person without having to travel far.
On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 1 being not at all and 10 being very much so) how close would you say the following describes your current situation?
You have enough freedom in your life to be able to attend support groups and/or meet one-on-one with people you want to spend more time with. You have finances, as well as transportation, that afford you the ability to do this as well. You are able to travel outside of where you live to meet with others, including going to conferences that are transgender and/or nonbinary focused.
On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 1 being not at all and 10 being very much so) how close would you say the following describes your current situation?
You don’t mind showing up to support groups alone and are comfortable meeting new people. You are stable mentally and emotionally. You do not have any physical limitations that may inhibit your ability to socialize in person with others.
Based on how you ranked yourself on these questions, place a checkmark next to the statement that seems to best fit your overall current situation:
I should have little to no problem in finding others to connect with in person.
I should be able to find others to connect with, though it might take extra planning and effort to do so.
I will more than likely need to postpone my attempts at connecting with others in person—at least for right now.
FINDING OTHERS TO CONNECT WITH IN PERSON
If you are ready and able to pursue connecting with others in person, here are ideas that can help move this process along:
Place a checkmark next to the ideas you can see yourself following through on:
Ask LGBTQ centers or gender centers/clinics in your area about support groups and events.
Ask your/a gender therapist in your area for leads.
Do a thorough Internet search for resources in your area, being sure to extend it out as far as you are able and willing to travel.
Look into national conferences that are transgender-, nonbinary-, and/or gender diverse–oriented.
Look into local and statewide organizations and groups that are transgender-, nonbinary-, and/or gender diverse–affiliated.
After establishing a solid relationship, consider meeting up with people you have met online.
When It Is Close to Impossible to Meet Others in Person
There are many reasons why it may be difficult to meet others in person, and it’s impossible to address each one of them here. Instead, answer the following questions with an open mind and a compassionate heart toward yourself and where you are in life:
Can you improve your circumstance or situation? If so, how?
What can you do now?
What can you plan for later?
Is it possible you are more capable than you think you are? Have you been led to believe certain things about yourself that might not be true?
If at all possible, find a counselor, therapist, or coach with whom you can work to set goals to help get your plan in motion. This person can also work with you on any self-doubts and other issues that may be holding you back.
If you truly are unable to change your circumstances, or at least cannot do so in the foreseeable future, be sure to turn to your online community, as well as anyone you can trust as an ally, for support.
CHECK-IN TIME
Take a few minutes to record how you feel now that you’ve finished this exercise. What did you learn about yourself? What was challenging about this exercise? What did you gain from this exercise?
FURTHER RESOURCES
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/
Gender Spectrum Lounge: http://genderspectrum.org/lounge/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/
PINKessence: http://pinkessence.com/
Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/
TrevorSpace (LBGTQ teens and young adults): http://trevorspace.org/
Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/
Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/
Chapter 11
Listening to Your Gut
Now that you’ve begun to actively explore your inner and outer worlds concerning your gender identity, chances are your Thinking Self has begun to kick into high gear: debating, analyzing, and questioning everything that is being brought to your attention. This phenomenon occurs because, by opening yourself up to the truth, you are giving your Bodyguard a lot to handle.
Imagine your Bodyguard has, for the past several years, had their feet kicked up, watching Netflix, sipping on a warm beverage, feeling all in all quite relaxed knowing you are playing it safe in what can be a cruel and dangerous world.
All of a sudden, a panic alarm goes off. Your Bodyguard is jarred, as if they are awakened from a deep slumber. Tossing aside their creature comforts, they throw on the appropriate Bodyguard attire and grab their weapon of choice, ready to defend you from the enemy. This happens all because you opened up the first exercise of Stage Three: Exploration and began to read it.
Your Bodyguard frantically searches for your Thinking Self and, upon making contact, updates this part of you about what you’ve been up to. Fueled by your Thinking Self’s anxiety, your Bodyguard, in desperation, lashes out with a potent batch of thoughts for you to contend with: “What are you doing? This is a terrible idea! Why would you want to stir the pot, rock the boat, ruffle any feathers!?!”
If your Bodyguard is scared enough, they will use the worries, doubts, and fears that have been brought up by your Thinking Self to say these things with enough intensity and frequency to make them a part of your daily thought process.
More than likely, you have already heard these lines of thinking in the past. Maybe it even stopped you from any exploring you were trying to do before. This time around, I want you to remind your Bodyguard of something: “Not knowing the truth about myself, and not expressing that truth about myself, is much scarier than keeping it a secret.”
Because your worries, doubts, and fears might increase during this time, it is important to remember you have other ways of getting closer to your answers besides just your Thinking Self. This chapter will teach you how you can use what is referred to as your “gut” when your Thinking Self has been working overtime and needs to take a well-earned break. You might call your gut something else: your hunch, your sense, your instinct, your “Spidey Sense,” your intuition. Regardless of what you call it, it’s what will help to keep you grounded during the most tumultuous legs of the gender identity journey.
Using Your Gut to Discover Your Truth
As I mentioned earlier, if a book called You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery sounded like something that might help you, you have at least some level of discomfort with your gender assigned at birth. However, as you have also learned through this guide, there doesn’t have to be a black-and-white answer to your gender identity questions. Even if you have a suspicion about what is going on with you, you are probably looking for more clarification on it.
You already have information inside of you that will help you get closer to your answers. It’s b
een there all along. It’s the baggage from Stage Two: Reflection that, in part, has made it difficult for you to access that information. It’s not gone—it’s in your Trunk of Secrets in your unconscious, and your gut has a direct link to it. This exercise is going to help you use your gut to get some of this information back.
OPENING A DIALOGUE WITH YOUR CHILD SELF
In Stage Two: Reflection, you explored that possibility that, as a child, there were ways you may have expressed a gender identity more aligned with who you really are. This exercise expands upon this by asking some very specific questions about things you did as a child that could bring up even more clues.
Remember, your Child Self holds crucial information for you to access. This was you before puberty, before gender expectations, before you were taught that how you were feeling, thinking, and acting wasn’t “right.”
Let’s take a look at ways your gender identity may have been trying to express itself while you were young.61 Take a moment to quiet your mind and let the memories come up without forcing them. It’s okay if it takes multiple tries to do so.
Place a checkmark next to the examples from this list you recall having done in your youth:
Praying that you would wake up and not be your gender assigned at birth.
Telling Santa Claus that for Christmas you wanted to become a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth.
Blowing out your candles on your birthday and wishing you could become a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth.
Seeing a shooting star and wishing you could become a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth.