You and Your Gender Identity Read online

  Once others began to see me as a man and treat me like a man, I found myself asking the question, “What kind of man do I want to be?” It was through the wisdom of hands-off mentors that I was able to answer those kinds of questions and delve more deeply into those issues. I was doing a lot of research online, looking for examples of positive masculinity, good men, kind men, generous men, references to a type of maleness that I could relate to, and I discovered that there was a whole field of men’s studies and texts written by men about male experiences and perspectives regarding relationships, emotions, trauma, and bonding. In the search for that information, I landed on the blog The Art of Manliness,5 written by Brett McKay, which is “dedicated to uncovering the lost art of being a man.”6 Through this blog I learned about the myth of the “normal” testosterone level and read mini biographies of great men in history such as Theodore Roosevelt and Henry David Thoreau. As a social worker working almost entirely with men, I was also very happy to come upon their series “Leashing the Black Dog,”7 all about men and depression. Another hands-off Mentor I find invaluable is Men’s Journal.8 This magazine is chock full of stories written by men for men about male experiences, which are vastly different from the stories I was raised on and fed through the media about who men are, what men want, how men love, where men seek refuge, and when men need help. I am forever grateful for the insights I gleaned from the pages of these hands-off mentors.

  In an effort to Build My Support Team (see page 33), I reached out to other transgender and transsexual men and women. I was astonished to learn that some individuals thought I did not have the “right” story to be a transsexual. I did not know that there was a “right” story. It turns out that some trans and non-trans people believe that to be a “true transsexual” one must feel compelled to transition, and if unable to do so feel that suicide is the only alternative. I did not feel my desire to transition was that dire, nor urgent. It turns out that many trans people do feel that way. However, that does not mean that we all do. I discovered that there were other trans men and women who shared with me a similar understanding of being trans, and they soon became my go-to network of friends. From them I learned about the local trans community resources. Through these connections, I was able to meet gay, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual transsexuals. It never occurred to me that I would be perceived as a straight guy. It made sense, since my partner was female, but I had just never considered the implications of transition on my social life. So much of my attention was focused on the physical changes brought by T. The other straight trans men I met helped me come to terms with and navigate the new ways I was experiencing the world. If you have access to a local in-person trans support group, I highly recommend attending. You may not relate to every person there and/or topic presented, but the friends you make there may be the friends you call on years later. I know I do, and my life is all the richer as a result.

  The journey you are about to embark on may or may not be similar to the tale I just told. Dara’s book gives you the opportunity to write your story in your own way. In a nutshell, I found Dara’s book to be a relevant resource that will support people questioning their gender identity, those who are new to transition, and folks like me: a ways down the road.

  1 Gabriel Hermelin, “Are You a Boy or a Girl?,” In Inspiration for LGBT Students & Their Allies (Easton, PA: Collegiate EmPowerment Company, 2002), 46–7.

  2 Zander Keig, “Masculine Females on T Roundtable,” (lecture, Gender Odyssey Conference, Seattle, WA, September 2006).

  3 Jamison Green, Becoming a Visible Man (Nashville, TN: Vanderbilt University Press, 2004).

  4 Megan M. Rohrer and Zander Keig, Letters for My Brothers: Transitional Wisdom in Retrospect (San Francisco, CA: Wilgefortis, 2010).

  5 Brett McKay and Kate McKay, The Art of Manliness, 2007, http://www.artofmanliness.com/.

  6 Brett McKay and Kate McKay, “About the Art of Manliness,” December 31, 2007, http://www.artofmanliness.com/about-2/.

  7 Brett McKay and Kate McKay, “A Realistic, Encouraging, Compassionate, No-Nonsense, Research-Backed, Action-Oriented Guidebook to Managing Your Depression,” March 31, 2015, http://www.artofmanliness.com/2015/03/31/managing-depression/.

  8 Men’s Journal, (2016), http://www.mensjournal.com/.

  Preface

  BY DARA HOFFMAN-FOX, LPC

  In the spring of 2013, I had what mythologist Joseph Campbell would describe as my Call to Adventure.9 The Call to Adventure is when the protagonist in a story is offered the chance to embark upon a great journey that will challenge them in epic ways.

  You can accept this call, or you can choose to ignore it. You wouldn’t be holding this book in your hands if I had ignored mine.

  Just before I had my Call to Adventure, I was going on five years of seeing transgender, nonbinary, gender diverse, and gender questioning clients through my private practice as a mental health counselor. Although I was satisfied with the work I was doing, I knew there was a bigger purpose I was meant for that I had not yet discovered. In fact, I had spent most of my life with this frustrating and unsettling preoccupation of not knowing what bigger purpose I had, wanting desperately to figure out how I could make a lasting and impactful contribution to this world.

  My Call to Adventure finally made itself known through a series of events happening in quick succession during the spring of 2013, the most significant coming as a result of an interview I gave to my local newspaper about a transgender six year old named Coy Mathis.10 In an elementary school just a few miles from my office, Coy was denied access to the girls’ restroom, which prompted her parents to file a discrimination complaint with the Civil Rights Division of Colorado. As this local story quickly made its way around the globe, a reporter from Colorado Springs’ The Gazette wanted to learn more about how it is that someone so young can be aware of their gender. The Colorado Springs Pride Center informed the reporter that I was a reliable source to speak to about this topic.

  The day following the interview, I stopped at the convenience store down the street from my office to pick up a copy of the paper. It was then that I noticed I was shaking: Did the reporter write compassionately about Coy and her family? Would I be quoted in such a way that would increase the readers’ understanding of what it means to be transgender?

  I was delighted to see the story made front-page news. There was a beautiful picture of Coy and her dad playing in the snow, accompanied by a large headline which proclaimed: “Experts: Gender Awareness Starts at Early Age.” I was then astounded to see that the expert they referred to in the first sentence of the article was me.

  As I teared up in the middle of that convenience store, I experienced something I had only heard about but never believed it would happen to me personally. I was filled with an overwhelming sense of discovery, knowing, and purpose. After so many years of searching for it, my Call to Adventure had finally arrived. The Call said: You must do more.

  In November of 2013, while delivering the keynote address at my local Transgender Day of Remembrance event,11 I made mention of my Call to Adventure, declaring, “Tonight, I find myself giving birth to what was conceived in that store nine months ago. Just as a new parent feels about their newborn child, this public declaration of my commitment to do more for the transgender, nonbinary, and gender diverse people of this world is filled with curiosity, trepidation, feistiness, and hope.”

  I used you must do more as my mantra over the next year and a half. I created a website with transgender, nonbinary, and gender diverse resources (darahoffmanfox.com), as well as a Facebook page and YouTube channel, both under the name “Conversations with a Gender Therapist.”

  As my reach grew, I began to receive messages from people across the world thanking me for providing them with information, education, and encouragement. This reassured me that I was on the right track—that I was indeed doing more.

  In December of 2014, I found myself face-to-face with the first Ordeal of my journey. An Ordeal is when
the protagonist in a story encounters a challenge which reveals to them their deepest fears; also known as the hero’s crisis.12 Although it was gratifying to use my experience as a gender therapist to assist so many people across the world, a certain topic was being brought up with startling frequency, and I found myself struggling to come up with the right answers. Each person’s story was unique, but they all had a painfully clear theme:

  Dara—Please help me figure out my gender identity.

  The more I read these pleas, the more I wrestled with how to respond. Providing individualized attention to those who needed guidance unpacking their gender identity was an impossibility. As a therapist in Colorado, I am restricted to only seeing clients who live in the same state in which I practice. Additionally, I can only see a certain number of clients each week, which also imposes limits on the number of people I can effectively help on a one-on-one basis.

  The cry for help continued to grow louder and louder until the task seemed insurmountable. I was left in a state of confusion and uncertainty. Hence my Ordeal: How can I ‘do more’ for those in need of guidance, relief, and answers to their questions about their gender identity?

  Eventually the answer began to emerge in the form of advice I heard on several of the online business podcasts I turn to for mentorship and ideas:

  Ask your audience what it is that is causing them pain.

  Figure out how you can help with easing this pain.

  Then, create something that helps to ease their pain.

  I knew what needed to be done: create a guidebook containing practical tools and exercises for gender-questioning individuals to use during their self-discovery journey. I spent the next two years developing that resource, which you have thankfully discovered: You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery.

  As you begin to listen for your own Call to Adventure, know that this guidebook is my way of walking beside you as you embark upon this journey.

  —Dara Hoffman-Fox, LPC

  Colorado Springs, Colorado

  December 2016

  FURTHER RESOURCES

  Campbell, Joseph. The Hero with a Thousand Faces. Princeton, NJ: Princeton UP, 1972. Print.

  Hoffman-Fox, Dara. “Dara Hoffman-Fox, Licensed Professional Counselor & Gender Therapist.” Dara Hoffman-Fox. http://darahoffmanfox.com/.

  “Facebook/Conversations with a Gender Therapist.” Facebook/Conversations with a Gender Therapist. Accessed December 03, 2016. https://www.facebook.com/darahoffmanfoxlpc.

  “Dara Hoffman-Fox.” YouTube/Conversations with a Gender Therapist. Accessed December 03, 2016. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC75HVYVE-wYHGQlc4w3-GGw.

  “@darahoffmanfox | Twitter.” @darahoffmanfox | Twitter. Accessed December 3, 2016. https://twitter.com/darahoffmanfox.

  9 Joseph Campbell, “Departure” in The Hero with a Thousand Faces (Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press, 1972), 49–58.

  10 Stephanie Earls, “Experts: Gender Awareness Comes at Early Age,” The Gazette, February 27, 2013, http://gazette.com/experts-gender-awareness-comes-at-early-age/article/151590.

  11 Dara Hoffman-Fox, “Keynote: Transgender Day of Remembrance 2013,” (address, Transgender Day of Remembrance, 2013).

  12 Christopher Vogler, “The Ordeal,” in The Writer’s Journey: Mythic Structure for Writers (Studio City, CA: M. Wiese Productions, 1998), 155–73.

  The Ins and Outs of This Guidebook

  WHO IS THIS GUIDEBOOK FOR?

  I created this guidebook for anyone who has questions, curiosities, doubts, confusion, struggles, or concerns about their gender and their gender identity and how this contributes to who they are as a whole.

  Here’s where all of this began: you were assigned a sex13 at birth (male, female, or intersex) based on the appearance of your genitals, which also became the gender you were assigned at birth. At some point in your life, you began to realize you were not entirely comfortable with this assigned sex and gender. There are many reasons why this could be the case, which you will explore throughout this guide.

  Having questions about your gender identity can confuse and complicate your understanding of who you are as a whole. When gender identity is a missing puzzle piece, every area of your life is strongly impacted. These questions can create stress, painful confusion, uncertainty of your place in the world, interpersonal difficulty, not having a solid sense of self, and many other issues. Thus, taking time to explore these feelings is crucial.

  If you have found yourself intrigued by the title of this book and are wondering if it might hold answers to the questions you have about yourself, I suggest you keep reading.

  CAN I PUT THIS OFF? WILL IT MAYBE JUST GO AWAY?

  These questions frequently arise for those who are wrestling with their gender identity. It’s also common for someone to test this theory out, waiting to see if the confusion surrounding their gender does indeed subside or disappear over time. However, one’s instinctual need to be true to oneself will almost always make itself known, one way or another.

  Choosing to give in to this drive to become your authentic self can be nerve-racking and full of risks. Nonetheless, the suffering that can result from not doing it can feel worse than any of the possible consequences that would result from exploring your gender identity.

  The rewards of increased self-awareness are often difficult to describe until one has actually achieved this state of being. I asked my Conversations with a Gender Therapist Facebook community what they learned about themselves once they had a better understanding of their gender identity.14

  “Not knowing who you are is terrible, empty, and cold. You’re lost. Knowing now who I am has helped me feel like I’m finally alive—that I exist.”

  “Realizing this allowed me to better understand myself, express myself, and most importantly accept myself.”

  “I understand now that what I was asking was not ‘Am I transgender?’ but ‘Is it ok to be me?’ And it is.”

  “It helped to break down the walls of isolation.”

  “As I reconciled my feelings toward myself of fear, self-loathing, etc., they melted away and comfort took its place.”

  “Now that I have the words to describe who I am, a world of information is unlocked.”

  “I now have a better, more truthful sense of identity, as well as clarity.”

  “The answer helped me find balance in my life.”

  “It was like hearing a voice that said ‘What you feel exists, and you are not alone.’”

  Is this type of self-awareness something you would like to experience as well? Then keep reading.

  CLEARING UP A DAMAGING MYTH

  I have heard a disturbingly high number of individuals say they have been taught there is a certain way they must experience their gender identity in order to be seen as valid. This belief can be so damaging that it convinces people they shouldn’t even bother attempting to explore this any further.

  Here is what is actually true about your gender identity exploration:

  1. This is your discovery process and no one else’s.

  2. Only you get to decide how to describe your identity.

  3. You are allowed to take as long as you need to explore your gender identity.

  4. Everyone’s experience is different and is to be respected.

  5. You will figure some things out now and others later.

  Reread this list as often as you need as a reminder to not let anyone else’s opinion about what the right or wrong way is to go about this journey.

  HOW DO I USE THIS GUIDEBOOK?

  This guidebook was designed to help you achieve greater clarity regarding your gender identity by undertaking a journey of self-exploration. The stages of this journey are separated into three sections:

  Stage One: Preparation

  Preparation is your setup for success. The work you do in this stage will prepare you for the following stages, much like a martial artist must undergo intense training before engaging in their first fight. Y
ou’ll solidify your motivation for embarking upon this journey, reveal fears that are holding you back, and learn how to build support for yourself during what can be a both a challenging and rewarding time.

  Stage Two: Reflection

  This stage will take you into the past to examine hints and clues that may have been present during your formative years. This will help you make sense of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors you may not have understood before. This section will also help you become more aware of shame and guilt you may be carrying as a result of what you experienced during this time of your life.

  Stage Three: Exploration

  This stage is full of exercises that will help you actively explore your gender identity. The process of discovering one’s gender identity is often complicated and overwhelming, so we’ll be breaking it down into easier-to-digest pieces. You’ll examine individual layers that make up one’s gender identity and then have the chance to put these together to form the big picture of who you are.

  WORKING THROUGH THIS GUIDE

  The guide was created with the assumption that you will be working through it in the order in which it was written. However, if you reach an exercise that you feel you are either not ready for or have already explored, you should then skip it and move on to the next one. It’s also okay to leave blanks when you aren’t sure what to write, coming back to them once you discover your answers. By all means take time as you work through this guide. You can start and stop as often as you need to, whether it is for weeks, months, or even years.