You and Your Gender Identity Read online

  Although this guidebook has room in which you can write your answers, you can instead choose to use a separate notebook, sketchpad, or Word document for this purpose. Your responses in this guidebook will create a journal of sorts, providing you with a record you can return to for perspective on just how far you have come.

  Think of You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery as a compass, map, or navigation system that will act as a guide for however long you need it.

  CHALLENGES IN CREATING A GENDER IDENTITY GUIDEBOOK

  The topic of gender identity is very complex. Conversations around it are constantly evolving so writing a book about discovering your gender identity presents its unique challenges. Here are the main ones I encountered:

  Language/Lexicon

  Language and lexicon have to do with which words I chose to use throughout the book to describe gender, gender expression, gender identity, etc. I monitor on a daily basis which terms those who are sensitive and inclusive about this subject are most commonly using. Nonetheless, it’s possible I will accidentally offend or leave out someone by certain word choices. You are more than welcome to let me know at darahoffmanfox.com/contact if you come across such verbiage so I can address that in future editions.

  Additionally, through the duration of the book I use the pronouns they/them instead of he/his or she/hers. This is done to avoid the cumbersome task of having to write he/she/they whenever I am referring to a person, and not as a dismissive gesture to those who use female or male pronouns.

  International Readers

  I receive a large number of messages from individuals all over the world. Although every attempt has been made for the material in this book to be applied as universally as possible, there will more than likely be instances where something is discussed that persons outside of North America will be unable to identify, relate to, or may even be put at risk by. I welcome your feedback at darahoffmanfox.com/contact as to how I can improve future editions with regard to this concern.

  Age/Generational Differences

  I have received messages from individuals ranging from ages twelve to seventy-two. This brings about the unique challenge of how to create a book that will be relevant to all ages. There is an undeniable difference in how someone who is seventy-two has experienced their gender identity over the duration of their lifetime compared with someone who is thirty. There’s also a difference between the experience of those who are thirty compared with those who are currently in their teens.

  In just a few short years, the power of the Internet, combined with dynamic cultural shifts occurring around the world, have dramatically changed the face of gender identity exploration. I have endeavored to present the material in this book as inclusively as possible across generations.

  A note to those who are in their teens: Many of you, especially if you are in your younger teens, are unable to access needed resources without the involvement of a parent or guardian. You may have concerns that you won’t be understood or supported by them, which may be a reasonable fear.

  For further assistance, I recommend:

  • Rainess, Seth Jamison. Real Talk for Teens: Jump-Start Guide to Gender Transitioning and Beyond. Oakland, CA: Transgress Press, 2015.

  • Testa, Rylan Jay, Deborah Coolhart, and Jayme Peta. The Gender Quest Workbook: A Guide for Teens and Young Adults Exploring Gender Identity. Oakland, CA: Instant Help Books, an imprint of New Harbinger Publications, 2015.

  You can also check out the Further Resources at the end of certain chapters for ideas as to how you can approach your parents and get support from others. Remember, you don’t have to go through this alone.

  THE IMPORTANCE OF SELF-CARE

  This guide will be helpful to you in many ways. As you progress through it, be aware that many unexpected emotions, memories, and realizations are likely to surface.

  As I was faced with the question, “How do I make sure my readers are going to be okay on this journey?” I was inspired to create the Self-Care Checklist, which you will find on page xxxi. There you will find ideas as to how you can practice self-care as you work through this guidebook, as well having someplace to list your own self-care techniques.

  I also highly recommend you have a mental health practitioner you can turn to as you work through this guidebook. If you are unable find a trans-friendly practitioner in your area and/or cannot afford one, seek out knowledgeable and supportive persons you can turn to for support, advice, and friendship (we will cover how you can do this later in this guide).

  “WHAT’S YOUR GENDER IDENTITY, DARA?”

  My audience often asks me about my own gender identity; curious to know more about who it is they are turning to for guidance and advice. I have actually discovered a lot of my answers through writing this book. By the time I reached the end of this writing journey, I concluded I connect the most with term nonbinary to describe my gender identity, androgynous to describe my gender expression, and queer to encompass my gender identity, gender expression, and my sexual orientation.

  Although I’m accustomed to she/her pronouns and am experimenting with the use of third gender pronouns, I find that I most prefer the use of my name in place of a pronoun. I’ve also begun using the suffix Mx. as an expression of my desire to not be gendered as female (this is a gender-neutral alternative to Mrs/Miss/Ms/Mr—e.g., Mx. Dara Hoffman-Fox).

  Being the first student of this guidebook proved to be an unexpected and illuminating experience that I hope its readers are able to experience as well.

  FINAL THOUGHTS BEFORE WE BEGIN

  As the subtitle of this book states, this is a guide to discovery. The hope is, by the time you reach the end of it, you will be closer to understanding your gender identity, as well as yourself as a whole. But it will be far from the final finish line. Growing in self-awareness will point you in the right direction as to what you might want to do next, which will lead you to the next step, and the next. However, the journey of discovering your authentic self is one you will be on your entire life.

  Self-discovery isn’t easy. Will others receive what you discover about yourself with compassion, respect, and understanding? Will your relationships with your loved ones change? We live in a time of increasing awareness of what it means to be transgender, nonbinary, and gender diverse, but there is still a long way to go. With these realities in mind, I’ve made sure to include tools throughout this guidebook that you can use to help navigate the waters if they grow choppy.

  FURTHER RESOURCES

  Tando, Darlene. The Conscious Parent’s Guide to Gender Identity: A Mindful Approach to Embracing Your Child’s Authentic Self. New York: Adams Media, 2014.

  “Ally Moms.” Call Him Hunter. 2016. Accessed December 03, 2016. https://callhimhunter.wordpress.com/ally-moms/comment-page-1/.

  Hoffman-Fox, Dara. “Coming Out to Your Parents as Trans.” Ask a Gender Therapist. June 27, 2015. Accessed December 3, 2016. https://youtu.be/3_eQr6jmmBY.

  “The Trevor Project.” The Trevor Project. Accessed December 3, 2016. http://www.thetrevorproject.org/.

  13 “Sex refers to a person’s biological status and is typically categorized as male, female, or someone born with intersex traits (that is to say, atypical combinations of features that usually distinguish male from female). There are a number of indicators of biological sex including sex chromosomes, gonads, internal reproductive organs, and external genitalia.” (The Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Clients, adopted by the APA Council of Representatives, February 18–20, 2011).

  14 Dara Hoffman-Fox, Conversations with a Gender Therapist, Facebook post, n.d., https://www.facebook.com/darahoffmanfoxlpc/posts.

  Self-Care Checklist

  Self-discovery can be a difficult process, so it is crucial to set aside time to take care of yourself as you work through it. Below you’ll find examples of what self-care can look like. You’ll be given reminders throughout the guidebook as to when it would be a good idea to turn to y
our Self-Care Checklist.

  Later on we will look at how there may be items on your Self-Care Checklist that you do to excess, and thus are more harmful than helpful. For now, feel free to list anything that comes to mind.

  Circle items on the list you already use for self-care and/or that you’d be interested in trying. Use the blank lines to add more self-care ideas as you go along.

  Listen to music

  Sing in the car/shower

  Karaoke

  Play an instrument

  Yoga/Pilates

  Walking

  Tai chi

  Stretching

  Weight lifting

  Running

  Martial arts

  Zumba

  Cycling

  Hiking

  Dancing

  Meditation

  Light a candle or incense

  Cook or bake for yourself

  Cook or bake for others

  Watch a favorite TV show

  Watch an old favorite movie

  Watch a new movie

  Play a video game

  Journal

  Creative writing

  Browse the Internet

  Social media

  Read fiction

  Read your favorite blogs

  Study a subject you love

  Paint your nails

  Take a bath or shower

  Shop

  Volunteer

  Spend time with your pets/other animals

  Pamper yourself

  Visit a favorite place

  Visit a favorite restaurant

  Visit a favorite coffeehouse

  Knit/Sew/Crochet

  Drink your favorite beverage

  Spend time in nature

  Pray

  Chant

  Garden

  Use aromatherapy

  Scrapbook

  Massage/Reiki

  Spend time with a friend/friends

  Painting/Drawing

  Organize things

  Take a nap

  Eat something replenishing

  Go for a drive

  Photography

  Do puzzles/brain games

  Crafts

  Tarot cards/I Ching

  Watch or play sports

  Breathe deeply

  Make a music mix

  Write code

  Listen to comedy

  Recite affirmations

  Cry

  Play

  Roleplaying games

  Coloring

  Religious ceremony

  Clean your living space

  Bowling

  Spend time with children

  FURTHER RESOURCES

  Bard, Ellen. “45 Simple Self-Care Practices for a Healthy Mind, Body, and Soul.” Tiny Buddha. 2016. Accessed November 30, 2016. http://tinybuddha.com/blog/45-simple-self-care-practices-for-a-healthy-mind-body-and-soul/.

  Hoffman-Fox, Dara. “Ask a Gender Therapist: How to Find a Gender Therapist.” YouTube. April 17, 2014. Accessed November 30, 2016. https://youtu.be/SRh5Ab87y9Y.

  TransLifeline: Hotline Service. Donate Life Organization. Accessed November 30, 2016. http://www.translifeline.org/.

  STAGE ONE

  Preparation

  Introduction to Stage One: Preparation

  There is an approach to life’s challenges that many have used in the past, and will continue to use for years to come:

  Our life is a story, and it is filled with many journeys along the way.15

  You can apply this concept to the subject matter you’ll be exploring in Stage One: Preparation:

  The next chapter of your story is unfolding. You are about to go on a journey to discover your authentic gender identity.

  Before you can leave home and set forth on this journey, you must put time in at the beginning to plan ahead for what you are about to embark upon. Stage One: Preparation is here to help get you ready for this.

  The chapters in this stage will help you in your preparation by showing you how to:

  • Get confirmation that you should indeed embark upon this gender identity journey

  • Gain motivation by looking at why you need to go on this journey

  • Name, acknowledge, and own the fears that might come up while you are on this journey

  • Gather your Magical Elixirs to help you move forward successfully on this journey

  Notes

  FURTHER RESOURCES

  Campbell, Joseph, and Bill D. Moyers. The Power of Myth. New York: Doubleday, 1988.

  Jung, C. G. The Undiscovered Self. Boston: Little, Brown, 1958.

  Jung, C. G., and R. F. C. Hull. The Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious. Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press, 1969.

  Vogler, Christopher, and Michele Montez. The Writer’s Journey: Mythic Structure for Writers. Studio City, CA: Michael Wiese Productions, 2007.

  15 This inspiration comes from the works of Joseph Campbell, as well as C. G. Jung.

  Chapter 1

  Why Do I Need to Find Out the Truth?

  This book has somehow made its way into your hands. More than likely this means you are filled with a variety of emotions concerning your gender identity.

  Whether you are experiencing curiosity or pain or something in between, there’s no more time to waste. There’s a reason you want to take the next step toward understanding your gender identity, and this chapter will help you figure out what it is.

  FIRST THINGS FIRST

  The first step toward Preparation is to be sure that this guidebook is the right tool for you at this particular moment in time. It comes down to one simple question. Answer it quickly, with your first gut instinct. No one else has to see it but you.

  Are you uncomfortable with your gender assigned at birth socially, physically, and/or mentally?

  YES

  MAYBE

  NO

  In other words, either when you were born or before you were born, certain people examined your external genitalia and saw a penis, a vagina, or a variation of both (for those born intersex). Based on this observation it was declared that your sex was male, female, or intersex. This subsequently resulted in you being perceived and raised as the gender that corresponds with that assignment of sex.

  Circle your answer. If you answered YES or MAYBE, keep reading.

  Creating a Logline

  In this section, you will be creating your personal logline to help identify the main reasons you want to answer your gender identity questions as soon as you possibly can.

  In the film and television world, a logline is a brief summary of the story intended to be catchy and memorable. It’s what the movie-preview voiceover person says to grab your attention. The logline usually goes something like this:

  The main character’s normal, everyday life is [like this]. Then [major event or realization occurs] and the main character is changed forever because of it [in these ways].

  Here are a few examples from well-known storylines:

  Star Wars16: Luke Skywalker has a quaint, although fairly boring, and uneventful existence at the beginning of the film. There’s no reason for his life to change at all … until his family is brutally murdered.

  The Hunger Games17: Sure, life sucks for the people in this post-apocalyptic world, including for the eventual hero, Katniss Everdeen. At least she has her mom, her sister, and a cute guy to go hunting with. Katniss has no idea what the future holds as she becomes the face of the revolution against their tyrannical government.

  Orange is the New Black18: Piper Chapman is an attractive, white, upper-middle class gal with a big secret in her past. Just as she’s about to start her new life with her fiancé, she’s arrested for exactly what she hopes to escape. While in prison, she realizes how much she has been pretending to be someone she isn’t, and gains true freedom through reaching new depths of self-awareness.

  Think of your favorite film, book, or TV show and see if this same storyline structure can be found in it. What story are you thinki
ng of? How would you describe its logline?

  Now let’s break the logline down into its parts:

  1. The main character is dealing with a certain stirring within them. It might be experienced as painful and troublesome. It might also be experienced as mysterious and intriguing. The character could also be unaware (at least consciously) that there is something within them that needs to be expressed and explored.

  2. Then something happens to reveal just how much is really going on beneath the surface for the main character. It’s at this point they realize their life will continue to stay exactly the same unless they do something about it.

  3. The main character embarks on a quest (which can be internal and/or external) searching for answers to these questions, hoping to create a life that feels more authentic to who they really are.

  4. The main character’s illusions are revealed, helping them see the world through different eyes. As their old selves fall away, they question everything they had previously believed to be true.

  You’ve probably figured out by now that you are the main character and this is your story that we’re talking about. Your search for answers about your gender identity is your quest. Your personally created logline will become your mission statement, beacon, and guiding light.

  THIS IS YOUR LIFE

  The first step toward creating this logline is to take a look at your life as it is right now. There has to be some sort of explanation why you (the main character) are feeling unsettled, perplexed, unhappy, curious, or all of the above.

  Step 1: The Opening Scenes

  Think about yourself and your life as if you were watching it as a movie. What do you see? How would you describe what you see during the opening scenes? Keeping in mind that you are the main character, use the following prompts to help you explore this: