You and Your Gender Identity Read online

  Describe the main character in the third person (using they/them or he/she pronouns). How old are they? What is their perceived gender? What do they look like? What’s their personality like? What are their interests and hobbies? What are their strengths and weaknesses?

  Describe the physical world of this character. In what country, state, or town do they live? What type of dwelling? What does it look like?

  Describe where this character spends time. What are these places/scenarios? How much time do they spend in each (e.g., home, work, school, local bar, the gym, hangouts, friends’ or relatives’ houses, in the car commuting, in combat, in isolation)?

  Describe how the character spends their time. How much do they work? Do they go to school? What’s their family life like? What’s their social life like? Are they frequently alone?

  Describe the other people in the character’s life. Who are the important people in their life? What is the character’s relationship like with each of them?

  Describe what the other characters think of the main character. Are they well liked? Are they seen as mysterious and aloof? Are they seen as being challenging or difficult?

  On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being not very and 10 being very much so, how content do the other people in the story assume this character is with the current state of their life (regardless of how content the character actually feels)?

  Step 2: Zooming In

  Now that you’ve established what the world of the main character seems to be like, let’s zoom in to get a closer look at what’s actually going on. Answering these questions sets up the entire story that’s about to unfold for the main character (i.e., for you).

  What does the character do when no one is watching?

  What does this character struggle with that no one else knows about? What takes up the most space in the character’s thoughts?

  What does this character wish they could do to further explore these thoughts?

  What steps have they taken so far to accomplish this?

  What do they want to try, but haven’t yet?

  On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being not very and 10 being very much so, how content do you think this character actually is with the current state of their life?

  Step 3: Creating the Logline

  Follow these steps to create your logline:

  1. Create a several-word description of yourself (e.g., “A highly intelligent, charismatic software engineer …”).

  You can use these adjectives and nouns to get you started:

  Adjectives

  Intelligent

  Nerdy

  Music-loving

  Hardworking

  Creative

  Ambitious

  Socially awkward

  Tattooed

  [Your nationality]

  [Your culture]

  [Your sexual orientation]

  Nouns

  College student

  Athlete

  Military/Former military member

  [Your role(s) in your family]

  [Your job or career]

  Geek

  Recovering alcoholic/addict

  Survivor of __________

  Entrepreneur

  [Political party]

  [Religious affiliation]

  2. Create a phrase that describes your current state of existence.

  Examples:

  “… is tired of hiding their true self.”

  “… is bursting with newfound self-awareness they are ready to share with the world.”

  “… can no longer stand turning to [fill in addiction] as a way of running from their true self.”

  “… is delighted to be learning things about themselves they had never expected to learn.”

  3. Create a description of what the possible solution(s) might be. You can make this as obvious or as mysterious as you’d like.

  Examples:

  “… by facing the truth about their gender identity …”

  “… by exploring possibilities about themselves that they never thought existed …”

  “… by challenging the assumption that they are a man/a woman …”

  “… by no longer hiding the truth from themselves and from others …”

  4. Create a phrase describing what the cost might be if you don’t do this.

  Examples:

  “… a disturbing feeling of never truly becoming themselves …”

  “… an existence filled with the same ole same ole …”

  “… a lifetime filled with regret over ‘what could have been’ …”

  “… the chance at missing out on the peace of being fully self-aware …”

  5. Combine your phrases to create your final logline. Be sure your logline hooks you on an emotional level. You’re going to be turning to it throughout your journey as a reminder of what you are doing and why.

  Description of yourself +

  Phrase that describes your current state of being +

  What the possible solution might be +

  What the cost might be if you don’t do this =

  Your Logline

  Step 4: Use Your Logline

  Come up with ways you can use this logline as a handy companion throughout your journey (note: modify the following ideas if you need to be discreet).

  Place a checkmark next to the ideas you would like to try.

  Be Creative:

  Use a photo editor to give it a design (such as quotescover.com, picomonkey.com, and a wide variety of free apps which are available).

  Make a collage with photos, or cut items out of magazines.

  Set it to music. Use an existing song and create your own lyrics … or create a new song entirely!

  Put It Where You Can See It:

  Home office corkboard

  Bathroom mirror

  In your vehicle

  On your computer or tablet

  In your wallet, purse, or bag

  On your refrigerator

  As the wallpaper for your phone, laptop, or desktop

  As your social media profile picture or wallpaper

  Write it on your body (you may want to wait for the tattoo until you’re further into your journey)

  In the coming days, be sure to return to your logline for motivation and inspiration:

  • Go back and read it on the days you are feeling defeated, afraid, or frustrated.

  • Memorize it and make it your mantra. Do whatever you must so you can remember it, repeat it, and relive it.

  • Send it to a trusted person who will remind you when you need it the most (kind of like a Gender Identity Sponsor).

  FURTHER RESOURCES

  Pearson, Carol S., and Hugh K. Marr. What Story Are You Living?: A Workbook and Guide to Interpreting Results from the Pearson-Marr Archetype Indicator. Gainesville, FL: Center for Applications of Psychological Type, 2007.

  16 George Lucas, Star Wars Episode IV - A New Hope, (United States: Lucasfilm, Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation, 1977), film.

  17 Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games, (New York: Scholastic, 2009).

  18 Jenji Kohan, Orange Is the New Black, (United States: Lionsgate Television, July 11, 2013), television show.

  Chapter 2

  The Role of Fear on Your Journey

  Embarking on the journey to discover your gender identity might be one of the most important challenges you undertake during your lifetime. Understanding why it is so challenging can help it become more manageable, simpler, and less overwhelming.

  Fear: Why Does It Have to Be There?

  We all hide (i.e., repress, as we psychotherapy types like to call it) essential parts of ourselves that we have been taught to be ashamed and/or afraid of. Our unconscious takes care of repressing these aspects for us, and it is actually really good at it. That’s because our unconscious thinks its main job is to keep us from harm.

  When we were children, our unconscious helped us push down anything we believed to be too shameful or wrong about who
we really were. We did this by tossing these thoughts, feelings, and memories into a heavily padlocked trunk that resides in our psyche. We then threw it into the deepest ocean we could find. We thought if we got rid of the trunk and everything in it, then somehow our lives would become easier and everyone would like and accept us. Here’s the thing: the ocean that you threw the trunk into is your unconscious. This means the trunk and all of its contents have been with you all along.

  You may or may not remember creating this Trunk of Secrets. You may have begun the process of filling the trunk at a young age, or you may have been older. You might have just a few things in it, or it could be completely stuffed. Regardless of your story, it’s very likely there’s at least something in that trunk that needs to be looked at. It could be causing you anything from confusion and uncertainty to paralyzing fear and distress.

  The presence of fear means you are getting closer to discovering something about yourself. This is because we oftentimes fear the unknown, and it is unknown as to what you will dig out of your Trunk of Secrets.

  Calling Out Your Fears

  The Trunk Secrets you will uncover through the use of this guidebook are the ones having to do with your gender identity. This doesn’t mean other Trunk Secrets won’t come spilling out during this process, but it’s less overwhelming to focus on one at a time.

  In Stage Two: Reflection you’re going to look at when you first began to feel conflicted about your gender identity, what happened as you became more aware of this, and why you ended up having to put those thoughts and feelings into that trunk. For right now, let’s reach into that trunk and nudge that secret—just a little bit.

  STEP 1: PLAN FOR SELF-CARE

  Take a look at your Self-Care Checklist from the beginning of the book. Find an activity to do before you begin to work on this exercise and an activity to do after you have finished this exercise.

  What will your Pre-Exercise Self-Care Activity be?

  What will your Post-Exercise Self-Care Activity be?

  The point of this is to train you to make self-care a regular part of your life. Working through the questions you have about your gender identity can be stressful at times, so it is important you are kind to yourself as you do so.

  STEP 2: PRE-EXERCISE SELF-CARE

  Put aside this guide and do your Pre-Exercise Self-Care Activity. Return when you are finished.

  STEP 3: PEERING INTO THE TRUNK (TAKE ONE)

  Find someplace private where you won’t be interrupted. You’re going to start a dialogue with yourself, so choose a method that works best for you. Examples of this are journaling, visualization, drawing, meditation, doing this exercise while walking, or talking aloud.

  Imagine you are slowly lifting open the lid of the trunk. Rummage around the trunk until you find anything having to do with your gender identity. Once you find one of those hidden gems, ask this part of yourself a question:

  “What are you afraid of?”

  It’s possible you will come up completely blank when you ask yourself this. You also might feel overwhelmed with so many answers you don’t know where to start. This is normal. You may not know what it is you are fearful of, but that doesn’t mean that the fear isn’t there.

  This is Take One of the exercise, because just asking the question is a big step in and of itself. Before you move on to Take Two, read through these examples of fears that can come up during this process and see if any of them strike a familiar chord with you:

  “What if I don’t like/hate/am ashamed of what I learn about myself?”

  “What if my family and friends don’t like what I discover about myself?”

  “What if I hurt my loved ones because of what I discover?”

  “What if I think it’s true, but then it turns out I was wrong?”

  “What will the rest of society think of me?”

  “Will I be able to transition socially and/or medically?”19

  “What if I get physically harmed by someone who hates who I am?”

  “Who will I lose in my life if I do this?”

  “What if I lose my job over this?”

  “What if I don’t ‘pass’?”

  “What if I’m not happy, either way?”

  Circle any of the above statements that feel or sound familiar to you.

  STEP 4: PEERING INTO THE TRUNK (TAKE TWO)

  Again, the question you’re asking yourself is:

  “What are you afraid of?”

  Without censoring or judging yourself, write down what emerges. Be as specific or general as you want—this is your list.

  Fear 1:

  Fear 2:

  Fear 3:

  Fear 4:

  Fear 5:

  STEP 5: RANKING YOUR FEAR

  On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being not very much and 10 being a whole lot, how much fear comes up for you when you think of each item on the list?

  STEP 6: YOUR OVERALL FEAR LEVEL

  Add up each number from Step 5 and divide by 5 (or however many fears you ended up listing).

  Write down you average here:

  This number will give you a better idea of how much fear you have overall going into this.

  SELF-CARE REMINDER

  What was the Post-Exercise Self-Care Activity you listed at the beginning of the chapter? It’s time to set this guide aside and spend some time with your chosen activity.

  FURTHER RESOURCES

  Bladon, Lee. “B - The Personality, Ego Structures and Holes.” Esoteric Science. 2006. Accessed November 30, 2016. http://www.esotericscience.org/articleb.htm.

  Bradshaw, John. Healing the Shame That Binds You. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, 1988.

  Ford, Debbie. The Dark Side of the Light Chasers: Reclaiming Your Power, Creativity, Brilliance, and Dreams. New York: Riverhead Books, 1998.

  McGonigal, Jane. SuperBetter: The Power of Living Gamefully. London, United Kingdom: Penguin Books, 2016.

  19 Transitioning socially can include changing your name, pronouns, documents, gender expression, etc. Transitioning medically can include Hormone Replacement Therapy and/or a variety of different gender-confirming surgeries.

  Chapter 3

  Feeling the Fear and Doing It Anyway

  There’s something you need to know from the start of this journey: Your fear is still going to be with you, and may even increase, as you move forward on this journey to discover the truth about you gender identity.

  In any good story, the main character usually has reluctance to take on whatever challenge they are being faced with. How many times in The Lord of the Rings did Frodo say he wasn’t meant for this type of adventure?20 How many times in The Hunger Games series did Katniss throw down her bow and arrow (both literally and figuratively) and try to walk away from her destiny?21

  Think of your fears as unwanted guests in your home. They aren’t leaving anytime soon, so you need to come up with a plan to deal with them. The more you get to know them, the more you’ll know what to do about them. By examining the root of your fears you’ll shift from feeling as if they are controlling you to you feeling more in control of them. This mastery comes from having awareness and understanding of your fear and then using this knowledge to break its hold over you.

  This chapter will provide you with tools to keep your fears from paralyzing you as you move closer to the truth about your gender identity.

  Learning to Work Together with Your Fear

  What follows is a visualization exercise to help you gain a different perspective on the role of fear in your life. Through this shift you’ll learn how to work together with this fear, as opposed to letting it overpower and paralyze you.

  STEP 1: INTRODUCING: YOUR BODYGUARD

  Picture someone you would like to have as your very own personal Bodyguard to have by your side when you are feeling threatened and unsafe. For example, I imagine that my Bodyguard is Samuel L. Jackson’s character Jules from Pulp Fiction.22

  What does yours look like? What�
�s their name? They can be human, animal, mythological, whatever you most connect with.

  STEP 2: WHY DO YOU HAVE A BODYGUARD?

  What is the name of your bodyguard? _______________________

  Imagine that _______________________ has been with you since you were born. It’s inevitable that we will encounter threats in our life and this Bodyguard is there as a psychological defense to keep us safe.

  As you move through your childhood and adolescence, ______________ is highly alert to what it is that makes you feel hurt, sad, or afraid. Therefore, they are going to do whatever it takes to keep you from feeling that way.

  In theory, this probably sounds great. Who doesn’t want to avoid those feelings?

  But the problem is _____________________ is hypervigilant. They take the job of protecting you very seriously. So, even though _____________ means well, there’s a downside to this called over-protection. Anytime someone is over-protected, they risk:

  • Being unable to experience life to the fullest

  • Stunted growth

  • Hiding truths from themselves

  For example, _______________________ saw you pry open your Trunk of Secrets (see page 16). Their ears perked up as they heard your hidden thoughts and feelings about your gender identity rustling around in there. They looked up and saw you crouched over the trunk, reaching your hand in and beginning to lift that part of you out.

  Hoping they could get to it before it was too late, _______________________ sprinted toward you, bellowing out to your trunk, “You there! Close your lid and don’t open it ever again! I won’t allow you to harm my human!”

  In the past, _______________________ has seen what it’s like when you tried to let that part of you out. They didn’t like what they saw happen to you—not one bit! So they grabbed that part of you and put it in the trunk, hoping it was for good. Anytime _______________________ thought someone (maybe even you?) was getting too close to that trunk for comfort, they would pull out a weapon: a gun, a knife, nun-chucks—whatever they thought might work.